Hi, Adrian Beltre here. Yes, that Adrian Beltre. And yeah, I get it, you all think it's pretty hilarious when people try to touch my head and I freak out. I mean, I'm a modern man of the internet, I've seen the gifs and even I have a laugh. Just look at some of these moving pictures, how could you not chuckle:
(Gif via @DShep25)
But see, I'm not a cold, humorless guy. I just read Tim Allen's book, Don't Stand Too Close to a Naked Man-- talk about a hoot! And if I was really that protective over parts of my body, wouldn't I wear a protective cup while playing third base?
But, and here's the thing, my BRAIN is in my head you guys. And the brain, if you were unaware, is mankind's most precious gift. It is where our memories, our thoughts, our insights are stored and recorded. As Richard Feynman said:
"To note that the thing I call my individuality is only a pattern or dance, that is what it means when one discovers how long it takes for the atoms of the brain to be replaced by other atoms. The atoms come into my brain, dance a dance, and then go out—there are always new atoms, but always doing the same dance, remembering what the dance was yesterday."
But how many atoms do I really have? Every time you grab my head, graze my cranium, you risk me running out of new atoms. Or what if you hit my head too hard and concuss me, my brain slamming into the sides of my skull like it was nothing but the last bit of ketchup in the Heinz bottle? What if your tap causes a neuron to misfire, creating a chain reaction where all the memories of my fifth grade birthday party (101 Dalmations, natch) are lost forever? Or, what if, as my head snaps back, an aneurysm blows in my brain and I drop dead, right there? Was that worth it just so that you could rub my head for good luck?
And that's why I keep my hair so short. With a normal haircut, you run the risk that the stylist will JAM her shears into your brain stem, severing the vital connection. Also, brains easily overheat. So while I would love to have dreadlocks, pompadours, or Jennifer Aniston hair (I don't care what you say, it's still totally en vogue), I can't. Because I have to protect the most important thing to me: my brain.
So, please internet, stop laughing at my over the top reactions to teammates touching my head. Do you laugh at the construction worker because he wears a helmet? The bicyclist for his headgear? John Olerud? No, you don't, because there is nothing funny about cranial safety.
Thank you and have a great evening,