Albert Pujols Suspended For Use of the Gym (Satire)

Albert Pujols has been suspended from Major League Baseball after testing positive for using the gym, MLB Commissioner Bud Selig announced yesterday."We have a problem in baseball," said Hall of Fame second baseman Ryne Sandberg, upon hearing the news. "Using [the gym] is not respecting the game."Although it is impossible to tell without testing whether a given player is using the gym, it is often clear in retrospect. Gym users tend to be bulkier, with larger muscles and less body fat. The added strength from illicit gym use contributes to both more powerful hitting and lengthened stamina.Pujols, accordingly, currently leads the league in home runs, RBI, runs, slugging percentage, and OPS. Detractors point to the gym as the driving force behind this dominance.While the revelation about Pujols raises suspicions about other players, some were quick to deny involvement."I have never used [the gym]. Period," said Rafael Palmeiro, longtime first baseman for ...