The first half is nearly in the books, and I’ve gone back and forth on the Red Sox more times than Josh Hamilton has relapsed, which is saying something. And while I still don’t know exactly what to make of this year’s Boston soap opera, many of the team’s key figures still deserve to be recognized for their accomplishments over the season’s first three-plus months.
As always, all award winners will be honored at a special ceremony held inside Larry Lucchino’s black, black heart.
The “Most Likely To Tie You Up In The Basement Of His Mansion And Torture You While Staring You In The Eyes And Showing No Emotion” Award
This was an easy one, although that doesn’t mean there was any shortage of good candidates. There’s more than a few people on this team who have BTK potential, but the clear winner is Alfredo Aceves.
When Alfredo comes charging in from the bullpen, everybody in a 60-mile radius should be on alert. He wears a shirt that is one size too small and is perfectly tucked in, and he’s always worked up a violent sweat to the point that he looks like he’s been doing cocaine and lifting weights all day. He gets down on one knee and prays behind the mound, and I can only imagine he follows that by screaming profanities and threatening the lives of everybody who looks at him – fans, teammates, hitters, birds, whoever.
I’m willing to bet that Alfredo is feared in the clubhouse, eats live chickens, has choked out numerous homeless men just to pass the time and doesn’t blink during sex. You can’t prove that any of those things aren’t true.
The “I’m Super Hot So I Should Start A Charity And Get On TV More ” Award
Oddly enough, only one Red Sox wife fit the criteria for this award. Every three or four days, Lindsay Buchholz – the wife of Clay – has been on NESN with Jenny Dell pimping her new charity “Bell of the Ball,” which lets girls who can’t afford prom dresses get secondhand ones from people who donate them. It’s actually very nice.
Except…do you know what Lindsay’s claim to fame is? Well, besides being obscenely hot, it was being one of the girls on Deal Or No Deal…so…yeah…
But like I said, she is obscenely hot, so she is the perfect candidate to start a charity. If you like hot women, give your money to give prom dresses to underprivileged children!
Really though, isn’t the bigger question where Lindsay and Clay met? Did Howie Mandel introduce them at some strange Deal Or No Deal after party? Is Howie Mandel a mutual friend? Does Howie come over for holidays? Did Howie ever sleep with Lindsay? Does Howie sleep with all the Deal Or No Deal girls?
So many questions.
The “Most Likely To Start A Human Centipede In The Dugout” Award
The Buchholz’s are threatening to take over this ceremony, as Clay gets to hoist this trophy for the second consecutive season. However, as you obviously cannot start a human centipede with any less than three people (but, if the second movie taught us anything, it’s that you can have upwards of 40 and still have it function), which means that Clay needs at least two running mates for this award.
Well, just like last year, Josh Beckett and Jon Lester will also be receiving this award, which comes with tickets to a private screening of the third movie, which happens to coincidentally be sponsored by Popeye’s Chicken.
Because all three of them have been, well, bad this season, it figures that they’re spending plenty of time together in the clubhouse complaining about the media, the fan pressure, the fact that they only get 18 days off a year, their blisters, their hemp necklaces and how Bobby Valentine is a dick. And when you bond over that many things, the next logical step is to make it official. Congratulations guys.
The “If You Weren’t On The Team And Instead Were Replaced By A Pint Of Egg Salad, I Would Not Notice” Award
Come on down Darnell McDonald! Don’t be shy! What’s that? You’re not on the team anymore? Oh…well is anyone going to eat that egg salad?
The “My Steroids Dealer Cuts His Stuff With Honey Mustard” Award
Remember Marlon Byrd? Well I do, and just because the Red Sox designated him for assignment a month ago doesn’t mean that he’s not going to be remembered for all his contributions. Acquired to help a team that was losing outfielders at a rapid rate early in the season, Byrd actually made the Red Sox worse by knocking in an astounding seven runs in 34 games. Played out over a full year, that’s roughly 33 RBI.
Not too shabby.
But little did we know that Marlon wasn’t putting up those robust numbers without a little bit of help. Yes, Marlon Byrd as abusing performance enhancing drugs, was caught by MLB and is currently suspended for 5o games.
What the hell was he taking? Bath salts? And if he actually was taking steroids that worked, what sort of baseball player is he when he’s off the juice? Holy christ, Marlon Byrd has to be the worst steroid abuser in the history of sports. He’s the only guy who’s ever cheated and had his numbers go south. It’s like he took steroids that somebody bought at at a joke shop and then gave to him as a prank.
The “Corpse Bride” Award
Sorry Jerry Remy, Tom Caron, John Henry and Jeremy Kapstein, but you never had a chance. For the 13th consecutive year….PETER GAMMONS EVERYBODY!
Me: “Peter, are you alive?”
Peter: “You know Kevin, sometimes I go to bed on a Monday and wake up on a Friday, and I’m pretty sure I’m legally dead for those days in between.”
Me: “So you’re saying that you’re dead about half the time?”
Peter: “That’s right. I’m sort of like a zombie.”
Me: “Do you feed on the flesh of the living?”
Peter: “I sure do, Kevin. I’m also not allowed in the sunlight because my skin has been slowly melting for years. One little bit of exposure to a UV ray will certainly turn me into a puddle.”
Me: “Thanks for taking the time Peter. Don, back to you.”
The “I’m Really Enjoying My Time In The Majors, But I Think Alfredo Aceves Has Been Having Sex With My Significant Other” Award
Daniel Nava, it has been a joy watching you somehow team with David Ortiz over the last month and bring the Red Sox from relative obscurity back into contention.
But you know as well as I do that nobody respects you, and that means that Alfredo Aceves is ABSOLUTELY sleeping with your wife or girlfriend, only she’s way too scared to tell anybody. Let me be the one to break the news to you kid.
What? You’re not really a kid? You’re 29 years old? Good god, who the hell are you?
(Sweet Caroline starts playing)
Well, that about does it. I’ll like to thank Ben Cherington, Billy Corgan, Jenny Dell, Jenny Dell’s Breasts, Liverpool, F.W. Webb and Giant Glass for sponsoring the awards. And Theo, thank you for showing up, albeit in a gorilla suit. Still nice to see you.