Originally posted on Razzball  |  Last updated 5/31/12

As if pitching in the NL West wasn’t advantageous enough, Troy Tulowitzki and Matt Kemp look destined for the DL.  Tulo strained his groin – which is too low or too high for a strain depending on your preference (I prefer to strain a pun).  Kemp re-aggravated his hamstring injury running the bases and then took out his frustration on a bat in the dugout.  Hey, Matt – we drafted you to do damage WITH your bat not TO your bat.  While this is bad news for anyone who owns one of these players, it’s worse for Kemp owners because it’s going to be a loooong time before Kemp is going to be given a green light to steal.  At this point, you’d have to be happy to get 15 HRs and 5 SBs starting in late June.  And for those of you with both these players on your team, feel free to kick the nearest object.  Just try not to hurt your leg.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carlos Gonzalez – It wasn’t all bad news in Colorado as CarGo went for the home run hat trick.  That’s 13 HRs now on the season and 9 in May.  I don’t catch Rockie games that often – what’s the lamest CarGo-related sign they bring to the stadium?  I imagine at least one person made a “Look at that CarGo!” sign with a crayon-drawn car.  Much lamer than the legendary baby doll T-shirt of, “I know you’re staring at my Jimenez but you’ll never guess where I’m Ubaldo.”

Jamie Moyer – Rockies designated him for assignment.  That assignment is to watch Wheel of Fortune and drive his grandkids to school.

Justin Smoak - 3-for-5 with a double and two 3-run HRs against his old team.  I guess revenge is a dish best served after being cold for most of the past year and two months.  That’s 9 HRs now for Smoak (impressive for a Mariner) and 3 doubles (impressive for a NL pitcher?).

Doug Fister – Going back on the DL with the same injury that caused him to miss a month earlier in the year.  Not good news.  Might be looking at another month being sidelined. Replacing him in the rotation is Casey Crosby.  Sounds like the first/middle names of one of Clemens’s kids – just missing the K’s in his name.  Or was he one of the kids on The Cosby Show spinoff where all of David Crosby’s sperm donor offspring lived in one house?  Hmm, not sure.  He’s definitely got the K’s on the stat sheet (10+ K/9 this year), but also has a high BB/9 ratio (he’s down from 5.3 in 2011 to 4.6 in 2012).  Leave him for AL-only for now. 

Travis Hafner – Will miss approximately 6 weeks with knee surgery. Oh, well.  Really the only advantage to owning Hafner now would be to strap him to a large chain and use his noggin to knock down the Excaliber in Vegas.

Alejandro De Aza – Stole two bases, but was lifted when he was hit with a pickoff throw.  The Rays hit him with the pickoff because they couldn’t get the lion from The Naked Gun.

Paul Goldschmidt – 4th HR of the year.  He has 15 career HRs and 4 are off of Lincecum.  Some like to get their freak on, Goldschmidt likes to get on The Freak.

Jaime Garcia – Will be skipped in the rotation with elbow discomfort.  Even if you’re not Sherlock Smartpants, you can tell this isn’t good news.

Allen Craig – Set to return from the DL on Friday, and Matheny’s saying that he will see time in the outfield and 1st base.  This could spell trouble for Fatt Adams’s playing time.

Brandon Morrow – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks when he came out of the game after a comebacker hit his leg.  Sounded scary from what I read in the Razzball comments, but I didn’t see it.  I was watching the Mariners tell Holland to kiss these tulips.  Turns out Morrow should be okay with a shin contusion.  “I thought I was a calf!”  Oops, that’s shin confusion.  My bad.

Colby Rasmus – 1-for-4 with his 6th homer.  He was this week’s Creeper, which surprised me a bit because those are usually guys that aren’t owned, but it turns out he made sense because he’s not owned enough.  Yet.

Rajai Davis – 1-for-3 with his 3rd homer.  With Thames riding the River No-Sticks back to the minor leagues, Davis is getting everyday playing time.  Rudy talks on this week’s podcast about how he just grabbed him.

Kelly Johnson – Didn’t start yesterday and during his homer the other day he was seen limping around the bases.  That reminds me of the time I met this girl, but I drank too much tequila and I was limping around–Wait, what was I saying?  Um, moving on…

Nick Markakis – He sat out yesterday after he got a tweakakis in his wrist.  He’s going to see a hand specialist on Thursday.  For Nick’s sake, I hope his hand specialist hasn’t owned him in a dynasty league for the last three years.

Jeanmar Gomez – 5 IP, 5 ER.  I think his first name is Flemish, because whenever I say it I hock up phlegm.

Jason Kipnis – 1-for-4 with his 10th and 11th steals.  Easily the best player with a kosher deli sounding name since Pat Strommy in 1924.  That was also the year where baseball began its long tradition of ball scratching that became a craze years later by Gaylord imitators.  That’s scratching of a baseball and Gaylord Perry… Geez, c’mon!

A.J. Burnett – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Frequent commenter, Eddy, mentioned a crazy stat the other day.  If you remove Burnett’s 12 earned run start vs. the Cardinals, his ERA is 1.52.  Zoinks!

Everth Cabrera – 2-for-4 with his 4th steal.  Okay, he’s stealing every day so I grabbed him.  I can’t resist cheap steals from an middle infidel!  It’s my weakness, well, that and free samples at an ice cream shoppe.  “What do you call that again?  Chocolate?  Hmm… I think I’d like to try that.”

Carlos Quentin – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and 2 homers.  As someone in the comments dubbed him yesterday, he’s The Travel Charger.  When he’s away from home, he generates power.

Dale Thayer – Ugh, I knew he wasn’t going to be good, but 7 earned runs in his last one and two-thirds is totally unnecessary.  I have him on one team and I’m about to drop him.  The tsuris (Yiddish Word of the Day!) isn’t worth it.

Dustin Pedroia – Next Monday he’s going to try to swing a bat and, based on that, will determine if he can return or if he’ll need a DL stint.  Gotta appreciate Pedroia’s Sparky Anklebiter gumption for wanting to play.  Ma and Pa Pedroia should’ve named him Gutsy, and his pedophile brother, Putzy.

Jon Lester – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He’s found that magic spot between yawn and ho-hum.

Will Middlebrooks – 2-for-4 with his 6th homer, Youuuuuuuuk also went 2-for-4 with his 4th homer, and Ortiz went 2-for-4 with his 12th homer.  All those two-by-four’s make me want to say Hooo!

Luke Scott – Hit his 2nd homer of the year off a lefty and his 9th overall.  Really hope Scott gets hot.  Hey, I’m a poet and I recognize it.

Derek Holland – 1 2/3 IP, 8 ER vs. the Mariners.  An embarrassment to pitchers and mustaches everywhere.

Aroldis Chapman – Yesterday, his hotel room was robbed and a woman was found inside tied up.  Previously, he’s been arrested for driving with a suspended license and sued by an imprisoned man in Cuba for $18 million dollars.  Somebody get me Mark Burnett — Aroldis needs a reality show!  “The Fast and the Nefarious.”

Ryan Howard – Phils just announced Howard is unlikely due back in June.  You didn’t need to be a cyclops with a monocle to see this coming.  Wouldn’t be surprised to not see him until August.

Jimmy Rollins – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  Hey, there’s breath on the mirror under his nose!

Cliff Lee – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Got the ND for the 6th time in 8 starts (he lost the other two).  He still has no wins.  Hey Cliff – the best way to change those L’s in your name to Ws is to have Elmer Fudd pronounce your name.

Jonathon Papelbon – Foreclosed!  Save la vie…

Dustin Ackley - 2-for-5 with his 4th HR.  Ackley is okay, but he’s not as merry as Kipnis.

Tim Lincecum – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He avoided the big inning, but so did the Giants and he still got the loss.  He’s now 2-6 but, on the sarcastically positive side, his ERA is now down to 5.82.

Ichiro Suzuki - 21 runs for the Mariners…..and Ichiro had the night off.  Holy sit!

Ty Wigginton – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer.  Second time I’ve mentioned him this week which could only mean one thing… Wiggy, Wiggy, can’t you see, sometimes your homer streaks just hypnotize me…

Lucas Duda – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  Could be the start of something, but, in most mixed leagues,  I wouldn’t Camptown Race to pick him up.

Freddie Freeman – 3-for-5 with a HR and 3 RBIs in his return to the lineup.  He’s now wearing glasses.  Maybe it’s his Reggie Clevelandesque name, but I picture them looking like this.

Andrelton Simmons – The Braves are calling him up from AA to take over short from Tyler Pastornicky.  He hasn’t flashed much power in the minors, but he has decent speed (20-30 SBs) and his low K rate (

Mark Trumbo – 3-for-3 with his 10th HR.  His BABIP is at about .400 right now.  So the .351 AVG is certainly not real (.251 more likely), but the power certainly is.

Tony Campana – Has been benched recently for Mather, but, yesterday, he finally gets into a game and steals 2 bases.  Say you don’t need no homers or ribbies and I’ll be satisfied.  Tell me that you want the kind of stats that power just can’t buy.  ‘Cause I don’t care too much for Mather.  Tony Campana love!  Campana loooove. Looooove.  Campana luh-huh-hove!

Darwin Barney – 2-for-3, slam & legs with his 2nd homer in his last 3 games, and here I thought The Purple Evolutionist went the way of the dodo.  In deep leagues, picking up Darwin would be intelligent design.

Josh Willingham – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer and 2nd in as many games.  The Other White Meat loves hitting in Oakland.  The only person that hits harder in Oakland is MC Hammer.

Francisco Liriano – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Sure, he pitched a great game, but the A’s lineup had one hitter above .240 to start the game.  You usually have to spend two weeks in Thailand to see a Reddick with that many sores around it.


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