Originally written on Extra Pine Tar  |  Last updated 10/23/14
New-york-yankees-pitcher

Roger Clemens still steadfastly denies doing steroids, despite the fact that he clearly, well, did steroids. His former teammate and best friend, Andy Pettitte, testified against him, as did his former trainer Brian McNamee. Neither of these people would have any real reason to make up something so detailed about The Rocket, yet Clemens still expects us to believe that everyone else is lying, and he’s telling the truth.

Of course, it gets even harder to believe that the same lunatic who used to have the Yankees’ trainer rub Tiger balm all over his balls before starts didn’t do consistently abuse steroids or Human Growth Hormone when you look at his splits. He won the Cy Young Award with a 2.98 ERA in Houston at 41 years old! In 2005, at 42 years old, his ERA was 1.87! After he left the Red Sox in 1996 after being decidedly mediocre three of his last four seasons, he went to Toronto and won consecutive Cy Young Awards! He was still pitching the AL East, so what changed?

I don’t know, maybe McNamee – like he testifies – starting shooting drugs into Clemens’ ass. It’s either that or the Rocket started drinking a ton more Vitamin C, and the results were exactly what the doctor ordered. What a joke. The guy pitched for 24 seasons, and was still effective in 2007. And don’t throw Jamie Moyer references at me. Moyer throws 78 miles per hour. Clemens threw 93 when he retired.

All this being said, maybe we should have guessed that something was going on with Clemens when he threw a shard of a broken bat at Mike Piazza – for no reason – as if he was hoping to gash Piazza and hurriedly start drinking his blood. After the game, Clemens said that he thought the bat was the ball. Beyond the absurdity of assuming that the barrel of a bat is a baseball, why then was he throwing it at Piazza? This isn’t dodgeball or that game when you run in-between the bases when you’re like 12 years old. It’s the World Series.

Fast forward to the 2:30 mark of this video to see a steroid-enraged Clemens just whip the bat with all his might – without even a split-second of thought  - directly at Piazza running up the first base line. It’s quite a move.

Yeah, Rog, you’re not going to convince me that you and your Tiger-balmed  coin purse are not guilty of ruthlessly abusing drugs and then lying about, while hurting everybody who was close to you in the process. You even threw your wife under the bus. Classy guy you are, Rocket.

At least I’ll take solace, even if you don’t go to jail for perjury, in the fact that it doesn’t take you much Tiger-balm to cover your seeds these days. Years and years of rigorous steroid abuse takes a toll on the body. That would be a good move for the prosecution, no? Just have Roger drop his pants?

Oh, I forgot. You didn’t take steroids. My bad.

 

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