Originally posted on The Outside Corner  |  Last updated 12/1/11

If you didn't catch the series premier of Baseball Wives last night, consider yourself blessed.  Me, I wasn't so lucky as I was tasked by our crack editorial staff with watching the show and reviewing it.  Here is my basic take:

I watched the first 30 minutes of the show and then got up from my chair punched myself in the groin and writhed on the floor in agony for 30 minutes.  That second 30 minutes was waaaaay more enjoyable.  So, if you DVR'd the show and were going to watch it later, you can go ahead and delete it, or slug yourself in the junk.  Your choice.

To be fair, I don't care much for trash TV to begin with, but even by garbage reality drama, this show was pretty horrible.  You'd think a show about wives of famous athletes would feature women that were attractive and/or interesting.  You would think wrong.

Anna Benson was the big draw for the show, but she is not even close to being hot anymore and her uber-raspy voice makes it sound like she talks through a tracheotomy hole in her neck.  In fact, she bares less of a resemblance to that lovely photo to the right and more of a resemblance to the Crypt Keeper now.  The only remotely attractive woman is Ron Villone's wife, which is just confusing because it is hard to believe a tubby southpaw swingman can pull that kind of wool.  Everyone else is either busted and/or an emotional trainwreck, especially the troll that is Nyjer Morgan's ex-girlfriend (because the term "Wives" is loosely interpreted by this show as any girl that maybe once got dry humped by a MLBer in a poorly lit nightclub).

Not even fans of unintentional comedy can handle this show, though they tried real hard with Anna Benson daring to say that they are "classy" compared to basketball wives and then going out shopping with Jason Kendall's sicky thin, overly-tattoed former drug addict ex-wife for a fur that MUST have a head attached to it.

I guess what I am getting at here is that this show needs to be re-cast in a hurry.  As always, we are here to help (that is my polite way of saying that pictures of smoking hot scantily clad women are about to appear right after the jump).

If Baseball Wives wanted to be add some real eye-candy and be current, they could bring in new Cub David DeJesus' wife, Kim.

Unfortunately, Kim is too smart and savvy for it, or so says her Twitter feed.

KimDeJesus12 Kimberly DeJesus warning: anyone who watches baseball wives tonight...it is NOT really the way baseball wives r. I don't even need to watch it to know this.

Too bad, she had some real "talent."  Speaking of which, since we all know this reality crap is actually scripted anyway, why not get a real actress?  Take Nick Swisher's wife and sitcom veteran, Joanna Garcia Swisher.

Very cute.  Very cute indeed.  But she seems a bit too innocent.  This is trash TV, we need to spice it up a bit.  Fortunately, Russell Martin's girlfriend, Marikym Hervieux is available.

Now I might consider watching this show.  Plus, Marikym and Martin have kids together, so there is sure to be some baby mama drama, a staple for reality TV.  We are definitely on the right track now.  But we still need to up the ante on the T&A for this show to really sell.  How about some Playboy bunnies?

First, we have Lisa Dergan, a former playmate and current wife of Scott Podsednik.

And then there is Heidi Hamels, a former Survivor contestant that once made her way into Playboy.

That's one hot Heidi, but not even the hottest one.  She may never have been in Playboy (as far as I know), but Heidi DeRosa definitely knows how to bring on the sexy.

Not too shabby, plus it gives us shakes up the mix a bit.  You know what else we need?  A MILF.  That just so happens to be the reason that Jamie Kotsay exists on this earth.

And we have a winner.  I dare say, this show is almost watchable now.  Almost.  What it is still lacking is a big star.  If only there was a baseball player that dated a bunch of hot celebrity women.  Oh, right.  I almost forgot about Derek Jeter's treasure trove of ex-girlfriends.  Gentlemen, start your boners.

Even if we can only land two or three of these lovely ladies, I fail to see how this show can be anything other than the greatest television show in the history of the world.  Yet, something still seems to be missing.  Of course!  We stockpiled all the hotness but forgot about the crazy.  Anna Benson is doing her best, but we need to take it to the maximum here and Benson has nothing on the original insane baseball wife, Tawny Kitaen.  The former video vixen and ex-wife of Chuck Finley sets the bar ridiculously high by actually beating her husband.  And this is a chick that used to date O.J. Simpson and survived, so you know she wasn't messing around.

Ha!  Thought I was going with a pic from her Whitesnake video heyday, didn't you?  Consider your boner killed, mugshot-style.  Clearly Tawny isn't holding up to well, but with her level of crazy as the matriarch of this show, it is now officially the greatest reality TV program ever. 

You're welcome, America.


This article first appeared on The Outside Corner and was syndicated with permission.

Ios_download En_app_rgb_wo_45

Jim Ross’ wife Jan dies from injuries due to Vespa crash

Report: Larry Brown to meet with LIU Brooklyn about coaching job

Report: Jay Cutler garnering 'zero' interest around NFL

Paul Millsap to opt out of contract, become free agent

Martellus Bennett calls out NFL to do more to build up communities


NBA disciplines Raptors’ Serge Ibaka, Bulls’ Robin Lopez for fighting

Jason Day tearfully withdraws from PGA event to be with ailing mother

Matt Barnes on Derek Fisher chants: ‘I’m sick of that s—’

Brent Musburger admits he once bet on a game he broadcasted

Jeff Hornacek: Knicks will run triangle ‘exclusively’ next season

Reese Witherspoon to speak to women’s gathering at NFL owners meetings

The 'Duke schadenfreude season came early this year' quiz

Which Sweet 16 team should you be rooting for?

The Aesthetic: The world of player exclusive sneakers

Box Score 3/22: Team USA is heading to the championship

NBA Referee Hotline Bling: Steph Curry pushes OKC's buttons

Lingering issues for each 2016 MLB postseason team

The 'With teammates like this, who needs rivals?' quiz

Re-ranking the Sweet 16 for the NCAA Tournament

Box Score 3/21: WBC semis are bat-flipping fun

What you need to know for the World Baseball Classic semis

NBA Western Conference bottom feeders to watch down the stretch

MLB players most likely to break out in 2017

MLB News
Delivered to your inbox
You'll also receive Yardbarker's daily Top 10, featuring the best sports stories from around the web. Customize your newsletter to get articles on your favorite sports and teams. And the best part? It's free!

By clicking "Sign Me Up", you have read and agreed to the Fox Sports Digital Privacy Policy and Terms of Use. You can opt out at any time. For more information, please see our Privacy Policy.
Get it now!
Ios_download En_app_rgb_wo_45

The Aesthetic: The world of player exclusive sneakers

Which Sweet 16 team should you be rooting for?

NBA Referee Hotline Bling: Steph Curry pushes OKC's buttons

Lingering issues for each 2016 MLB postseason team

The 'With teammates like this, who needs rivals?' quiz

Re-ranking the Sweet 16 for the NCAA Tournament

What you need to know for the World Baseball Classic semis

Eastern Conference bottom feeders to watch down the stretch

Eat, Drink, Watch: A weekend of March Madness and more

The 'Who will ruin your glorious bracket this year?' quiz

Today's Best Stuff
For Publishers
Company Info
Follow Yardbarker