Originally posted on Razzball  |  Last updated 7/13/12

Vicente Padilla had this to say recently to Telemundo about Mark Teixeira, “He should play a women’s sport.  When he hits a home run, he can take off his jersey and slide on his knees around the bases… Then, while he’s on his knees, well, let’s just say in my home country, we’d make him a bucket… And, if he wants to cry about me pitching him inside, he can cry into a sanitary napkin.  By the way, none of this is meant to be offensive to the senoritas.  Padilla loves the ladies.  Right now, I have three gagged and bound in my basement.”  Pretty harsh stuff from Padilla, but what do you want from a guy who looks like this when he’s mad?  None of the Padilla vs. Teixeira fight matters for fantasy baseball (but, man, it is fun!).  What matters for us is Te(i)x’s patchy history of turning it on in the 2nd half.  PABST (Post-All-Star Break Stats Teixeira) was coined when his 2nd half numbers were always sooooooo much better (yeah, seven oh’s).  Last year, he wasn’t better in the 2nd half.  Every other year though, he earned his only-in-these-parts nickname.  This year he went into the break with the start of his best month (.320, 2 homers in a week).  He’s also just coming out of his worst month, which has deflated his value.  A month where his BABIP was .224, his worst month since the previous June — maybe June is in cahoots with Padilla.  He’s hitting more ground balls this year, which is a bad sign, but this comes down to who can give you a 2nd half of 15-17 homers, 40 runs and 50 RBIs at 1st base?  Miggy, Prince, Pujols, Votto, and maybe Konerko.  They’re all before Tex in ESPN’s top 250 for the 2nd half.  (A-Gon is also way before Tex too, but I think they’re converting his six 1st half homers into metric, by accident.)  Will Te(i)x hit .320?  Not likely, over-the-internet friend.  Will he steal any bases?  Not unless the Yankees hire Padilla as their 1st base coach.  Everything else will be solid with a chance for more.   See, where I ranked him in my 2012 fantasy baseball top 100 for the 2nd half.  Yeah, I’m excited about his last 45% of the season.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:


Justin Ruggiano – This Buy column is gonna sound a lot like last week’s because there hasn’t been that many games for other schmohawks to emerge.  Schmohawks usually take about three days to go from larva to butterfly, then caught in a jar and stared at by a fat kid for three days until it dies.  The All-Star Break interrupts that cycle.

Garrett Jones – Robot Jones went one for his last ten, so there’s a good chance his viability has gone the way of the dodo.  BTW, ‘The Way of the Dodo’ is my favorite song off of Nas’s album, The Idiomatic.

Norichika Aoki – Has a 15-game hitting streak going and he only has 12 games since April 27th when he’s started and not had a hit.  Ichiro who?!  “Suzuki, he’s a future Hall of Famer, you should kinda know him,” says Guy Who Doesn’t Understand Rhetorical Questions,

Juan Pierre – There’s talk he may get traded to the Reds.  Sometimes things are so perfect that they are inevitable. Dusty and Pierre being reunited is like Stan Javier joining Tony LaRussa’s Canasta club.

Delmon Young – Hit four homers on the way to the break.  Could be good for a 12-15 homer 2nd half, which doesn’t sound that impressive until you realize he’s only hit more than 13 homers over the course of an entire season once in his career.  If Delmon wasn’t related to The Meathook, would he even still be in the majors?  He’s averaging 12 homers and a .275 average over 6 seasons.  That’s hideous and he has a case of the heebee-BBs.  (Sorry to the submitter of TINSTAAFP; I couldn’t sell Rudy on it.)

Michael Brantley – Doing a little bit of everything.  Emphasis on ‘little.’  In fact, he’s doing so little he’s barely rosterable in most 12 team leagues.

Greg Dobbs – With Stanton on the DL, Dobbs will see an uptick in playing time.  Wow, my Autocorrect tried to change uptick to upchuck.  You’re so smart, Autocorrect.

Jon Jay – I was about to say I can’t believe Jon Jay isn’t owned in more leagues, then I looked at his stats.  The Federalist is solid for a help in average and passing shizz through Congress.

Lorenzo Cain – It looked like Lorenzo Cain would get playing time last year, then pfft.  Then this year, I was like Cain…Sugar! and the Royals were like, “We’re gonna play him…But we’ll trade for Bourgeois just in case… Or maybe we’ll play Dyson, we like his chicken… No, eff it, we’re gonna play Cain…Sugar!” And then he got hurt.  Then him and Mat Gamel took the online University of Phoenix seminar, “Opportunities Knocks Isn’t Just A Dana Carvey Movie,” and Cain’s back.  Cain’s rest of the season projections are 7 homers and 15 steals.  That’s the ceiling.  Actually, that’s punching a hole in the ceiling with the metal plate in your head and going about 50 feet above his ceiling.  More likely, you’re gonna get 3 homers, 5 steals and Wil Myers will probably be called up to take his playing time.  I’d grab Cain in all leagues, but I’d be conservative about who I drop.

Wil Myers – No idea where I heard this name before… Oh, I know!  All the Short Eyes asking about him.  Honestly (like I’d lie to you; my name is Grey Albright and I approve of honesty), I don’t think Myers is up until September, but he is tearing up the minors.

Pedro Ciriaco – Going 7 for your first 13 will have people taking notice.  You feel me?  Okay, could you stop, it’s a little creepy.  Here’s what I said the other day, “…He fills in for Pedroia.  He has speed, but Frankie Muniz has a race car and it doesn’t make him a race car driver.  In Triple-A, Ciriaco stole 14 bases with 8 times caught stealing.  I could see taking a flyer on him for SAGNOF…”  And that’s me quoting me!

Erick Aybar – I wonder if someone in Venezuela kidnapped his stealing bases’ ability and threatened to kill it if he tells anyone… Yeah, that’s probably it.  Oh, he is hitting over .300 in the last 5 weeks.

Adam Lind – He continues to keep his hot bat alive because I’ve abstained from picking him up.  Do you see what I do for you?  This is like the fantasy baseball Sophie’s Choice.

Sergio Romo – Sounds like Casilla will be okay blister-wise, but that says nothing of whether he’ll be okay pitching-wise.  That’s the why’s on the Buy’s.  If you’re waiver-wise, you’ll pick him up, guys…and four girl readers.  Dah, that rhyme fell apart!

Greg Holland – Yesterday, I went over all the closers for fantasy baseball.  I wrote it while wearing rose-colored glasses.  Trippy, doode.  Broxton’s been more than serviceable, but if the Royals have any sense in their highly functioning cantaloupe, they’ll trade him.

Wilton Lopez – The Astros said that everyone is for sale.  The Astros fans said, “Yeah, about 7 years late.”  When Myers gets dealt, Lopez will be the Astros’ side piece.

Michael Fiers – You couldn’t get Michael Fiers if you were f**king Michael Fiers!  Ha!  It’s in your head again.  Sucker!

Travis Wood – ESPN had this note for Wood, “Wood needed 100 pitches (61 strikes) to get the six innings, but his mates provided enough run support to get him his fourth win of the year.”  Mates?  Does Jon Jay need to fight for our independence all over again?!

Matt Harvey – The Mets first prospect with K potential (9+ K /9 in his minor league career) since Kazmir is probably being called up to replace Gee.  Pitching at Metco alone warrants consideration in NL-Only leagues.  Based on his high BB rates in AAA (almost 4 per 9 innings), expect a lot of 5-6 inning starts.  Looking forward to his Kings of Citi Field Tour with Bernie Madoff, D.L. Pelfrey, and Cedeno the Entertainer.

Jose Quintana – He’s been spectatactular in every game he’s pitched so far except a matchup against the Yankees and you wouldn’t have started him there anyway.  It won’t continue, but own him while you wait for the Liquid Paper to get dropped on his stats.

Zach McAllister – Don’t you want to call him McAlkaseltzer?  Eh, maybe it’s me.

Tommy Milone – On April 10th, I told you to pick him up.  Three months later, I’m still telling you.  You better be in a coma!  Which is also the message my dad leaves me when I don’t call him back within a few hours.


Carl Crawford – I went over him briefly in the top 100 for 2012 fantasy baseball’s 2nd half (geez, that’s a mouthful — that’s what she said!  Huh?).  It was announced Crawford would return on July 16th.  I think you’re slightly delusional if you think you’re getting the Crawford back that was a 2nd round draft pick as recently as last year.  That’s not to say delusional’s always a bad thing.  It’s one of the number one tenets of The Secret.  Say it and it will happen.  No matter how ludicrous.  I’m paraphrasing.  So, walk around saying Crawford was worth the 3 month stash and he’s about to give you a half season of MVP numbers.  Don’t say how he wasn’t even good last year in Fenway or how Dr. James Andrews put his business card in Crawford’s jacket pocket and patted it twice like he’s a Mafia don.  Don’t say how Crawford will probably throw the ball into 2nd, snap his elbow and be shelved for another 6 months.  Don’t say any of that jazzamashizz.  Say Crawford is gonna give you more than 8 homers and 16 steals in the 2nd half.  Where did I pull 8 homers and 16 steals from?  That was his 2010 2nd half that led into him being drafted in the 2nd round.  8 homers and 16 steals?  That’s a bad month for Mike Trout!  Mike Trout had 8 homers and 16 steals while you were sleeping last night.  And there were no games, yet he’s still playing!  Seriously, if you can trade Crawford before he starts playing, it will probably be the peak of his value.  I wouldn’t trade Crawford for a Sonic, the Hedgehog tote bag, but if you threw in the matching murse, I’d consider it.

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