I hate Gabe Ruediger. I really do. I
will never forgive him for one fateful night, on September 5, 2007. Our story takes place in Satan’s anus,
otherwise known as Las Vegas. It was the night of WEC 30 at The Hard Rock
Hotel and Casino, where Razor Rob defended his belt against Rich Crunkleton.
Gabe and I had originally gone out to watch our friend Cub Swanson take on Jens Pulver, but that fight was scrapped when Jens
We all go out to dinner afterwards and the group maps out an
evening of potentially horrible decisions.
I haven’t taken a sip of alcohol for 20 years and I absolutely HATE Las Vegas, so my post
fight celebratory options are extremely limited. They said they were going to go to the bar to
get inebriated, so I decided to call it an early night at about 3:00 a.m. While I slept on the sheets of 1000’s of
prostitutes before me in a Las Vegas
hotel room, apparently Gabe was living the life of Kanye West downstairs.
After I left, Jeff Glover and Tracy Lee joined the fray.
There was drunk-jitsu between Gabe and Cub in a hotel hallway. There was late night sushi and a lot of laughs
to be had. All of this seems like a fun
time where maybe I could be bummed that I wasn’t a part of it, but not enough
for me to write an article on it. Right?
A few days before Vegas, Gabe had just discovered ‘adult
films’. While I am a bit of a
connoisseur with my smut knowledge, Gabe was just a newbie. He had fallen in love with starlets like Tera Patrick and my personal favorite, Chasey Lain.
Oh my sweet Chasey… you were the subject of The Bloodhound
Gang’s hit song, ‘The Ballad of Chasey Lain’.
God bless you and Jill Kelly for welcoming Jesus Shuttlesworth to Tech U,
in the fashion that you did.
The things we went through in the 90’s were the stuff of legend. Every time one of my psycho ex-girlfriends
would break up with me because they were bi-polar or had stress from college
finals, you stood by me. I would just
pop in that VHS tape and 5-6 minutes later, all my worries were just a
memory. We had some great times; didn’t
Gabe enters our room in the middle of the night at 8:30 a.m.
and slumps down into a chair.
Evan: What did you guys do last night?
Gabe: Drank and ate sushi.
Evan: Really? Sounds terrible.
Gabe: It was. But Cub and I did Jiu Jitsu in the hallway.
Evan: Who won?
Gabe: Cub. I want a rematch when I’m sober though.
Evan: Who wouldn’t?
Gabe: Hey, check this out…
He pulls his phone out and there is a picture of Gabe with
Chasey Lain. I immediately unleash an
epic tirade on him about what a dick he is for not calling me downstairs. He gave me some excuse about how he wanted to
let me sleep etc. At this point, I am
both furious and envious. He ices the
cake when he tells me that Tracy Lee was with them and took all kinds of
fabulous professional pictures of him and Chasey. So, he not only met my Michael Jordan of porn,
but he got it documented too. He gets up
from the chair and says, ‘I’ll see you back in San
going to go throw up’. He vanishes into
the bathroom as I exit the room, absolutely crushed.
I hate you Gabe Ruediger.
Thanks to Tracy Lee for use of these photos.