BIG3 Referee Hotline Bling: Kwame Brown can't ring up a win

Kwame Brown vs. The Universe

Dear Kwame,

Oh Kwame. We are so, so sorry. You blocked four shots. You went 5-5 from the floor. You even had four assists! That might have been a career high in the NBA! At the league office, we’d already typed “Congratulations to BIG3 champion Kwame Brow…” but then Rashad McCants was fouled, he hit another shot, and the 3-Headed Monsters were defeated.

Honestly, it’s impossible to type “Champion Kwame B-R-O-W-N” if you try to do it without spaces, your laptop will shut itself down. We tried to say it out loud at the office, and all we do is stammer instead of getting out the last syllable. We even tried writing it in ink, but the pen tore into the paper. Kwame, it’s possible that the universe simply cannot accept you as a champion.

It makes sense. It’s one of those phrases that just feels wrong, like “Successful Greg Oden MRI” or “Raymond Felton’s no-trade clause” or “Kwame Brown three-pointer.” But in this case, as close as you came, the idea of Kwame Brown hoisting a trophy still seems wildly improbable.

We are still very proud of you. And your message – three solid minutes of weeping – really pulled at our heartstrings. We hope you come back next season, and compete for another second-place finish. Sorry if we don't return any of these calls – we can't give you a ring.

Despairingly yours, BIG3 Referee Hotline

Rashad McCants vs. The Haters

Dear Rashad,

Congratulations on winning the championship, and the first-ever Championship Game MVP award! You led Trilogy’s comeback, you scored 24 points, and best of all for our purposes, you committed six fouls. Truly you can do it all!

Now we got your messages complaining about all the foul calls, but we could tell your heart wasn’t in it. By the last call you were chuckling and blamed “childhood vaccinations” for the call, and clearly only idiots blame vaccines for everything. And Jay Cutler. Also, of your six fouls, only one led to free throws. Rashad, we think you were you fouling just so you could talk to us. And you know what? We’re going to miss you too. Enjoy the off-threeson!

Best threegards, NBA Referee Hotline

P.S. Do you think “off-threeson” will catch on? Don’t tell Ice Cube, but we printed that on a lot of t-shirts.

JabbaWocKeeZ vs. DeShawn Stevenson

Dear JabbaWocKeeZ,

Is that correct? We thought JabbaWocKeeZ was plural, but do let us know if you prefer JabbaWocKeese or JabbaWocKii. Regardless, we appreciate your performance at the BIG3 Final, but your message was somewhat confusing. Mainly because the words were all filtered through a vocoder, and the background music was very loud. Overall it sounded like a beat-boxing robot DJ playing at Funk Night on the international space station.

After a couple of listens, we think you were talking about an uncalled traveling violation by DeShawn Stevenson early in the second half of the third place game. And after looking at the footage, you were right! He’s clearly jabbawalking with the ball. Not a surprise that you guys know when a player takes too many steps – you have so many steps! Still, it’s very impressive, and we think you could have a future as referees if the masks didn’t hurt your peripheral vision so much. Call back any time – that phone message is already on our workout playlist.

SinCereLy YouRs, BiG3 ReFeree HoTLiNe

Mike Bibby vs. Ricky Davis

Dear Mike,

We thought your comment on the unpredictable nature of officiating in the BIG3 had some merits, and we were curious to hear your thoughts on the future of hand-checking. But then Ricky Davis took the phone out of your hands. And when you pass it off to Ricky, you’re not getting it back.

Ricky had so much to say, firing off wild takes about three-on-three basketball, where he’d put a five-point circle, new three-based punny names for expansion teams, why Tyrion’s plan to capture a wight was woefully misguided, and much more. You tried to interject, but Ricky was still firing away. Admittedly, he was making a lot of valuable points! But you needed help finishing your argument, and, well, Ricky doesn’t really believe in assists.

Sympathetically yours, BIG3 Referee Hotline