BIG3 Referee Hotline Bling: Sam Hinkie is calling the shots

Dear Sam Hinkie,

We were very surprised that you called to announce that Tri-State was lodging a protest about Week 4’s game with 3’s Company. You noted roster irregularities, claimed there were illegal substitutions and even claimed there were clock malfunctions. First, we had no idea that you were involved with the BIG3 in any capacity, but also, Tri-State won the game!

We hate to jump to conclusions, but it sounds like you might be tanking. After all, Tri-State was winless going into this weekend. Before the games, the team traded Xavier Silas, the fourth pick from the BIG3 draft, to Ball Hogs for Dominic McGuire. Silas had 17 points for his new team. McGuire didn’t play a single minute. Clearly this was a loss talent-wise, but perhaps you aren’t used to having a draft pick play at all in the year after he was drafted.

You may be misguided about how the league works, however. You can’t accumulate draft picks because you can’t trade picks. And the draft only has three rounds, though we heard rumors Tri-State tried to arrange a pick swap with Killer 3s in exchange for Lee Nailon and a future guest spot on "The Jump." Regardless, there’s no payroll to slash and no veterans to buy out — the whole league is veterans!

Still, enjoy the victory in front of the good people of Philadelphia! Though, thanks to the last few years of the Sixers, and the Phillies, and the Eagles, they don't even know they should be expecting wins, so they might have been angry because they’re Philly fans, and anger is all they know.

Still Processing, BIG3 Referee Hotline

Allen Iverson vs. Health Insurance 

Dear Allen Iverson,

First off, we are sorry you weren’t cleared by doctors to play in your return to Philadelphia. We know medical issues are personal and confidential, so we wish you a speedy recovery. That being said, your team, 3’s Company, is seriously lacking in depth. There are seven players listed on the active roster, more than any other team, and yet only four players saw the court. DerMarr Johnson and Andre Owens had to play the entire game, while someone named David Hawkins covered for Al Thornton for just four minutes. Thornton committed a whopping seven fouls, perhaps mistakenly believing he could foul out and finally get some rest.

It’s not clear what kept your teammates out. Michael Sweetney and Ruben Patterson both didn’t play.  Maybe Patterson got nervous that he was calling himself the “Kobe Stopper” and feared Kobe Bryant might appear at his old high school stomping grounds to show him up. For Sweetney, I think we can assume that this was a hoagie-related mishap. Perhaps the Cheez Whiz burned his mouth. Perhaps he ate too many Tastykakes and got an upset stomach. Regardless, filling the cooler on the bench with Frank’s Soda isn’t going to help anybody.

Still, feel free to resubmit your workman’s comp claims to the league office, and we will fully investigate the reports. Unfortunately, your team’s coverage doesn’t cover injuries suffered at practice. 

Jerome Williams vs. The Refs 

Dear Jerome Williams,

We received your call, but we’ll be honest: It was hard to follow. You made some cogent points, but after every insight, you began barking into the receiver. This is also what got you a warning at the game this weekend, as you woofed after every blocked shot, basket and rebound. And we don’t mean trash talking — you literally cupped your hand around your mouth and began woofing, because your nickname is the Junkyard Dog.

However, the BIG3 does not have a policy on barking or animal noises, and as such, we rescind that warning. After all, “White Mamba” Brian Scalabrine has been known to hiss at opponents. Cuttino Mobley quietly purrs whenever he hits a shot from distance, or if a teammate scratches him behind his ears. And DeShawn “Papa Smurf” Stevenson sings, “La la, la la la la, la, la la la la” every time he hits a free throw and screams, “Take that, Gargamel!” after every dunk.

So bark away! But also tell Stephen Jackson that this policy does not permit the Killer 3s to stop the game for tequila shots whenever Chauncey “Mr. Big Shot” Billups makes a good play. Animals and fictional characters only!

Doggedly yours, BIG3 Referee Hotline 

Kendall Gill vs. Father Time 

Dear Kendall Gill,

We at the BIG3 are proud of your appearance this weekend. At 49, you are the oldest player in the league. We’d like to answer some of the questions you have, since the game has changed since you were last active.

1. There was no tailoring mistake; players prefer wearing long shorts these days.
2. Sometimes players will use “bad” to mean “good.” It’s slang.
3. The arenas do not have pay phones because of the rise of cell phones. If you need to make a call, perhaps one of your younger teammates would let you borrow his phone.
4. Baskets now have nets, because getting the ball out of the peach baskets became very tedious.
5. Metamucil is not considered a performance-enhancing drug, so go nuts!

Hope this clears things up.

Agedly yours, BIG3 Referee Hotline

Rashad McCants vs. Dion Glover 

Dear Rashad McCants,

Congratulations on a wildly efficient game in Week 4. You scored 20 points on just nine shots, hitting two threes and a four-pointer. And you did all of that in just nine minutes of play. The whole team shot 63 percent from the field, and the whole game was over in just 17 minutes. As you mentioned in your call, the Fox Sports production team surely appreciates you, since there’s almost no editing work to be done. But please, Rashad, think of poor Dion Glover.

When the game is this short, you don’t really need subs, and Glover is hungry! He managed to put up three three-pointers in his limited time on the court, and that’s all he wants to do. Literally. His box score was just three-point attempts — no rebounds, assists or even fouls. He’s got to go back to coaching the Grand Rapids Drive in the G-League after this: that’s right, a developmental team for the terrible Detroit Pistons. He needs some joy in his life.

Look, Trilogy should be very proud of the undefeated record, but next week, give Dion a shot. Let him guard Bonzi Wells, whatever. How is he going to face Danny, Donald and Savion at the next Glover family reunion if he can’t brag about his BIG3 performance?

Sincerely yours, BIG3 Hotline