Dear Cleveland, All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight;
As you now know, our former hero, who grew up in the very region that he deserted this evening left two years ago to reach the pinnacle of his profession with a better organization, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier.
This was announced with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his “decision” unlike anything ever “witnessed” in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment.
Clearly, this is was bitterly disappointing to all of us me, and also to jersey-burning types, white kids with insanely warped senses of entitlement, and people who have no idea how bad it sucks to work for me.
The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you. I might make Cleveland a laughingstock of an NBA destination among players by being the biggest down-talking carnival-barking blowhard the NBA ownership ranks have ever seen, but NBA franchises are heavily subsidized legal monopolies, a no-risk cash cow no matter how terrible we are, so there’s no way I’m leaving, guys. THAT, you can count on.
There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future. Over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating much of that to you. There was all this bad stuff we let LeBron do when he was here, and we were going to tell you about all of it because we were really mad when he left, but my PR folks explained that spilling the beans here would just make us look a lot worse. So just forget it, OK?
You simply don’t deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal. I’m the worst. I know. But no-risk cash cow, guys. Finders keepers. Sorry.
You have given so much and deserve so much more. Hang in there, sluggers.
In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight:
“I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE”
You can take it to the bank.
Nevermind. Really, just forget it. I mean, hang in there. Hey, look, laser show! Slot machines!
If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our “motivation” to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels. If you thought we were embarrassed when LeBron left, well, now that he’s won a title so quickly without us, we are triple embarrassed. Oh, the motivation. This level of motivation I’m feeling is so unknown and unexperienced I could just …
Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there. If I could get away with killing LeBron, I would do it. If my motivation keeps getting so unknown and unexperienced, I still might. Wait.
Sorry, but that’s simply not how it works. Where are my pants?
This shocking act of disloyalty from our home grown “chosen one” sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And “who” we would want them to grow-up to become. Because “who” would want their child to leave home to reach the pinnacle of his profession when the kid could stay home to swim upstream with Mo Williams and Antawn Jamison for the benefit of a down-talking carnival-barking blowhard? It’s unthinkable.
But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called “curse” on Cleveland, Ohio.
The self-declared former “King” will be taking took the “curse” with him down south. And until he does “right” by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma. But somehow he brought it back to Cleveland. I have no idea how. It’s like I’ve been telling you, this guy is just the devil. Help me kill him.
Just watch. I mean, hang in there. My pants. Where are they?
Sleep well, Cleveland. Especially you, LeBron. I’m coming for you.
Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day….
I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only:
DELIVERING YOU the championship you have long deserved and is long overdue. Also, slot machines. Thousands and thousands of slot machines. Who needs a loan?
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