TSHQ Earth-Shattering Groundbreaking Story: Dwight Howard and Magic GM Rob Hennigan met in LA tonight apparently to discuss something. The question is, what did they discuss? Lucky for you, we here at TSHQ are privy to information regarding happenings around the league (because we run ****), and have the inside scoop on what exactly transpired behind closed doors. The following is the transcript of a conversation that occurred between D12 and Henny between god knows when and I give zero *****:
Henny: Evening Dwight
D12: Have you traded me yet? I haven’t heard “According to my sources, LeBron James said, that LeBron James said, that LeBron James is the best player on Earth other than LeBron James, and that LeBron James said Dwight Howard has been traded” from Chris Broussard on Sportscenter yet. This displeases me, Robo..
Henny: Well I actually came here t–
D12: **** off
Henny: Like I was sayi–
D12: Are we done here?
Henny: Look Dwight, I was told to.. I JUST CAME HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS!!!! YOU CAN TRUST ME DWIGHT!!!
D12: So you flew 3,000 miles for the second time in a month to make friends?
Henny: Pretty mu–
D12: What’s your pitch, Robo?
D12: Yea, you know, your pitch to entice me to stay. That’s why you’re really here, is it not?
Henny: LOLLLLZZZZZZZ. Let’s be real. Have you seen this roster?
D12: So you don’t have a plan to improve this team?
Henny: Well I paid a bottom 5 starting (30 year-old) point guard $8M a year to play peacemaker in the locker-room. Savvy, right? I also let by far our second best player and only other valuable trade asset walk, but I did get a $4.35M trade exception and Gustavo Freaking Ayon. That was Sam Presti-esque, right?
D12: So, you’re essentially White Otis Smith. I hated Otis Smith..
Henny: (Searching for a response). So where were we?
D12: The fact that you’re cut from Sam Presti stock and don’t have a ******* plan. Have you signed a coach?
Henny: I thought we covered this already?
D12: So you don’t have a plan, you don’t have a coach, you just made the team worse and this is your idea of convincing me to stay?
Henny: Alright, **** it. Enough with this breaking bread, sipping wine ensemble. Do you know who I am? I am Robo Stornborn Hennigan of House I WILL STRAIGHT UP MURDA YA BOI. I WANT AND WILL TAKE WHAT IS MINE!!! All I want to do is demolish this ****-sandwich of a roster and start rebuilding around someone who can actually concretely decide what to wear in the morning. Ya dig? I can’t keep up this ******** besties puppet act anymore.
D12: So bringing us back to square one, why haven’t you traded me yet? I thought you were calling the shots?
Henny: LOLLLLZZZZZ. Wait, are you serious? Didn’t you get the memo? I’ve had the job a month and I’m 30 years-old bro. I do top 5 draft picks. I don’t do drama.
D12: Alright, this is how it’s gonna go rook. I want to be either: A) traded to the Lakers where I’ll win two titles star in Crocodile Dundee in Las Angeles II B) traded to Brooklyn to join my bestie D-Will or C) kept and I’ll moon-walk the eff outta here after next season giving absolutely zero ***** in the process like every other star Orlando has had in the past. Your call..
Henny: *Biting nails*. We’re waiting for the grandaddy deal like Denver got for Melo. You know, an overpaid centerpiece shooter who can’t shoot, another average small forward with no elite skill and an obese point guard. We currently haven’t received an offer that meets this criterion.
D12: What about Andrew Bynum? Isn’t he a superior return than that crap-pile Denver received from New York that everyone pretends is a Fort Knox because people love to hate on Melo and don’t grasp Denver is everything you don’t want your NBA team to look like?
D12: Do you really see “there’s a bank in every city when asked if he’d be amenable to playing anywhere” Bynum passing on a 5 year full bird-rights deal with no state income tax to boot?
Henny: Yea well, YOU WILL NEVER GO TO BROOKLYN!
D12: I was talking about LA, Robo.
Henny: Right, LA.
Breaking: Text from Davos to Howard via Henny: “you’re an indecisive piece of **** *****. You don’t have the balls to leave. We’re holding onto to you at least until the trade deadline and possibly till next summer because it will increase other offers/it’s the dumbest ******* move possible. Calling your bluff asshole. Signed: an 85 year old corpse living in Michigan who employed Otis Smith for 6 years in a prominent basketball role.
D12: You really think teams will buy Brooklyn as leverage to increase other offers at the deadline when you’ve already turned down the same deal twice? Everyone knows you don’t want to pay Brook Slowpez $61M *chuckling* over the next 4 years.
Henny: Where did you say you didn’t want to go? Houston, right? Maybe we’ll just send your ass there.
D12: I’ll just do what the author of this masterpiece has been saying for the past 4 months and jump ship to Cuban’s sanctuary.
D12: So just so it’s settled, I’ll continue to voice my disdain for this parasite of an organization in saying I’ll never re-sign here so my trade value dwindles and you’re forced to settle for an actual realistic trade instead of this ideal centerpiece + cap relief + draft pick + young prospect fantasy-land deal that you’ll never get and are stupid for thinking you will, mmmkay?
Henny: Wait a sec–
D12: I’m going to LA or Dallas Robo. We’re done here.
Henny: Yea, well, YOU SHOULD HAVE OPTED IN! THIS IS NOT AN OBLIGATORY STATEMENT!!!!
D12: This was a gigantic waste of time
Henny: No doubt
D12: I’m outie five-thousand
Henny: I need a drink, and a raise..
Get at me on twitter (@colezwicker) for further details, anything NBA related, Game of Thrones talk or your top 5 most attractive women list. Outside of that, not all that interested.
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