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NBA Referee Hotline Bling: Dejounte Murray gets his calls blocked twice
San Antonio Spurs guard Dejounte Murray has his shot blocked by Golden State Warriors' Kevin Durant during the first half in Game 4 of the NBA basketball Western Conference finals, Monday, May 22, 2017. AP Photo/Eric Gay

NBA Referee Hotline Bling: Dejounte Murray gets his calls blocked twice

This year, the NBA established a hotline for players to call and chat about NBA referees. It's still going strong in the playoffs, which is more than we can say for some of the conference finalists. Each week, we’ll take a look at calls and responses to the hotline, which are about as imaginary as Gregg Popovich's personal stylist. We know when that hotline blings, that can only mean one thing: a rookie guard is about to get his number blocked.

Dejounte Murray vs. Kevin Durant

Dear Mr. Murray,

We have reviewed the footage, and we reject your argument that you should have received two points on the above play. It was two blocks, both legal, so not a goaltend. It is not, as you claimed, “a double block, which is like a double negative, which makes a positive. So, goaltending!” That’s not how NBA math works! Let us explain some key elements of NBA math.

  • If something is “squared,” that means it put on a pair of Curry Twos.
  • A “triple-double” means it’s actually a sextuple, which means it’s more valuable than any other number.
  • When someone like George Gervin claims they would put up 50 points a game on modern NBA defenses, those are “imaginary numbers.”
  • “Addition by subtraction” is a real thing, as subtracting a negative number or personality can be positive. This theorem was developed in the late '90s by Robert “Sub-Tractor” Taylor.
  • “Al Gebra” and “Trig O’Nometry” are both mathematical concepts and foreign big men that Gregg Popovich drafted in the second round and then stashed in Europe.

To answer your last question, yes, this does mean LeBron James has to block a single shot three times in the air during the Finals. Or he’s a loser.

Additionally yours, NBA Referee Hotline

Isaiah Thomas vs. LeBron James

Dear Mr. Thomas,

You made numerous complaints about the Cavaliers and Mr. James, but we’d like to focus on your claim that the Cavaliers infringed on the copyright of “Space Jam” by coming out to the Monstars theme song before Game 3. This was of course in reference to your claim that the Cavaliers were "not the Monstars," the team of brutal aliens with stolen NBA talent who terrorized Michael Jordan and the Toon Squad. Our question is, are we sure they’re not?

There’s eerie parallels. The Monstars are assembled from the pieces of many different NBA teams. The Cavaliers have scavenged pieces from the Knicks, Hawks, Timberwolves, Mavericks, even the D League’s “Raptors 905.” When you tried to tackle LeBron James, he continued to the basket like his body was subject only to cartoon physics, not real-life gravity. The Monstars evil owner, Mr. Swackhammer, tries to kidnap and enslave Michael Jordan, but that’s less evil than Dan Gilbert, whose Quicken Loans have paid out millions in settlements due to the predatory loans and mortgage fraud that helped crash the US economy. At least Swackhammer doesn’t type in Comic Sans.

And Game 3 just made the connection even stronger. Lola the Bunny, a Toon no one had ever heard of, made big contributions to the underdogs winning, just like Jonas Jerebko! In both "Space Jam" and the TNT telecasts, Charles Barkley seems lethargic, like he’s lost all his talent. And after the Celtics pulled out the win, the internet got extremely Tweety about it. Apologies to Mr. Swackhammer and his amusement park, but Twitter.com is the real Moron Mountain.

So we believe that the Cavs were within the rules of fair use by using the Monstars theme. As for you, Mr. Thomas, we hope that your hip injury gets better soon. May we recommend the fine medical products of ACME? Or, failing that, a stuttering cartoon pig with a comically-oversized mallet. Which is also the medical coverage you get if TrumpCare passes.

That's all folks, NBA Referee Hotline

Enes Kanter vs. Government of Turkey

Dear Mr. Kanter, 

First of all, we are happy that you have made it out of Romania and resolved your travel situation. It was very unfortunate and unfair. An NBA player should not have to be held for even three seconds or it should be a violation. President Erdogan of Turkey should have received a flagrant foul, and after accumulating additional flagrant points last week when his bodyguards brutalized peaceful protesters, he should have to sit out the next playoff game or summit. Unfortunately, neither the NBA or the State Department can get you out of Oklahoma City. Yes, Oklahoma is an oppressive state run by hardline conservatives. Yes, the corrupt ownership has seized teams from other states, and is beholden to the shady fracking industry. Yes, the team is run by a strongman who hogs resources, like shots and rebounds, and has purged loyalists to the old regime. But you still are not technically eligible for assistance, since the new CBA no longer has an Amnesty International provision. We are curious how the effort went down. Your contract has been called unmovable, but they managed to get you from Romania to London and back into the United States. Clearly you’re not as immobile as NBA scouts and the Turkish government claim. Did Romania have to take back a bad British contract to complete the deal? Perhaps there was a protected arms swap? No offense, but you aren’t helping any nation’s defense on your own.

Sevgilerimle, NBA Referee Hotline

Dewayne Dedmon vs. Steph Curry

Dear Mr. Dedmon,

We received your call about Steph Curry's "flagrant humiliation" of you in Game 2, and we wanted to inform you, that's not a violation. Yes, we agree that you feel violated, but it's still better than him spinning you like a top, or a French seven-footer. There are support groups for players who have been hurt and demeaned by Steph Curry's fancy dribbling, and many of them have gone on to productive NBA careers in the aftermath. Why, Chris Paul is going to get a supermax contract this offseason! It gets better. Taking a cheap shot at Curry's knee in the next game isn't going to un-meme you, Dewayne!

We did want to send a message to all the fans who are Zaprudering innocuous game footage in the wake of Kawhi Leonard's injury. Kawhi landed on Zaza Pachulia's foot, so Warriors fans need to find examples of LaMarcus Aldridge making a dangerous closeout. And then Spurs fans need to find some clip that make sit look like Curry actually assaulted Dedmon to even things out.

Stop it. Stop it everyone. Stop going over slow-motion footage of NBA collisions trying to make it look like there were dirty plays.  Slow-motion makes everything look more important and nefarious.

David Lynch can tell you that, though he would also be reversing the audio while zooming in for uncomfortable tight closeups.

It’s bad enough that we have to stop these games for long stretches to review flagrant fouls while the announcers argue about what happened. Now we are taking it to the internet, too? The NBA doesn’t need its own Forensic Files! And if it did, they better start with Bison Dele before anything else.

Sincerely yours, NBA Referee Hotline

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