NBA Referee Hotline Bling: Kelly Olynyk gets cut off

Dear Mr. Olynyk,

After looking at the tape of your confrontation with Mr. Oubre, we’ve decided that you need to get a haircut. Yes, Mr. Oubre was out of line, yes, that shove was not a basketball play, blah blah, dead ball situation, yadda yadda, flagrant two, blah blah suspension. We don’t even care that you hit him in the head multiple times on screens, because we are more concerned with what is going on with your head. Specifically the top of the head, but also the chin area. And we aren’t thrilled with the forehead either.

As much as we at the hotline despise the man-bun trend, it’s somehow worse when you wear your hair down. Draymond Green called you a “dirty player,” and we believe that’s as actually a comment on your shampoo habits. No, we don’t want kids copying your elbow-throwing, or your repeated attempts to dislocate opponents’ shoulders, but it would be worse if they copied your hairstyle choices. We also hate the thin, Uruguayan-soccer-team headband you wear, presumably to help you flop better. And the less said about your fuzzy, chin-only beard the better. The overall look screams “Civil War soldier on mushrooms,” “Jam band bass player with a sword collection” or “Kicked out of Bonnaroo for setting off homemade fireworks.” Even Win Butler thinks you look ridiculous!

Mr. Olynyk, go to a barber! And try not to deliver a forearm shiver when you sit down in the chair.

Cuttingly yours, NBA Referee Hotline

Serge Ibaka vs. LeBron James

Dear Mr. Ibaka,

We’ve reviewed the footage of Mr. James spinning the ball in front of you, and agree he should have been assessed a foul for globetrotting. Harlem Globetrotting. As you know, the NBA cracked down on Globetrotting after a fan dumped a bucket of confetti over Meadowlark Lemon (He now goes by the name Meadow World Peace). Upwards of ten fans and two referees were pantsed in the resulting hullabaloo. Since then, they’ve banned the ladder from gameplay, and the league instituted an eight-second limit on the Globetrotter Circle. You should have been awarded two shots with a trick ball with a rubber band on it that comes back to your hand after you shoot.

Ball spinning may be just the tip of the iceberg here. Kyle Lowry sprained his ankle after slipping on a banana peel. Mr. James did the classic “Get drunk on the court” gag.  Norman Powell shot 5-23 from three-point range during the series — we suspect Kyrie Irving may have snuck in a Goofball, the off-kilter Globetrotter trick ball. And “Fred VanVleet” is clearly an alias — he was clearly an impostor, probably there to give hot-foots and tie your teammates’ shoelaces together.

Mr. Ibaka, we apologize. You should have heard the referee’s whistle, not J.R. Smith whistling “Sweet Georgia Brown.” However, this may be a good opportunity for your team to shed the dated “Raptors” nickname. How do you feel about “The Toronto Generals”?

Sweetly yours, NBA Referee Hotline

Draymond Green vs. Self-Control

Dear Mr. Green,

We were so hopeful after six playoff games. No technical fouls, no flagrant fouls, no contact at all to an opponent’s bathroom area. But Game 3, despite getting more chances than a stack of Monopoly cards, you still managed to complain incessantly enough that the referees had no choice but to T you up. You made it through a gauntlet of teammates restraining you, no technical. You flashed a “2-0” hand gesture to the fans, still no technical. But like a power user on Yelp, you simply couldn’t stop complaining, and when you cursed at Bennie Adams, it rebounded on you, Lord Voldemort-style.

It’s as if you are a technical foul addict, and you simply can’t relax until you get a fix periodically. Once the first foul was called on you in the first quarter, you may as well have painted half your face blue and announced, "I'm going to pick a fight."

Mr. Green, this Warriors squad is a a great team. An A-Team if you will. And you are Mr. T. We admit that we prefer it when you’re going nuts, instead of when you're going after nuts. However, if you could stick to simply pitying the refs, rather than screaming at them, we would all appreciate it greatly.

Pityingly yours, NBA Referee Hotline

Kristaps vs. Hackers

Dear Mr. Porzingis,

We received your complaint that your Twitter was hacked, after you posted “Los Angeles Clippers” and a string of smiley-face emojis. Despite your impressive rebuttal showing your recently used emojis, we are suspicious, primarily because every athlete who has ever done something embarrassing on social media claims they were hacked. Whether it’s Ray Allen tweeting a filthy DM, Rasual Butler posting dong shots, Andray Blatche challenging fans to fights, or Draymond Green snapchatting dong shots, everyone says they were hacked. Once the bad tweet goes up, suddenly everyone’s Twitter is DeAndre Jordan in a playoff game. All hacking, no accuracy.

This is not what hacking is done for. Hacking is done to get damaging information about the opponents of a presidential candidate you want to blackmail. Although it’s possible that Phil Jackson is planning to run for president, since he already goes on vacation at crucial moments. Maybe someone thinks Adam Silver can influence foreign policy towards Latvia?

If you truly want to go to the Clippers, you don’t tweet emojis. You post a photo of an emoji, like Paul Pierce. And you use two phones at once. But next time you claim you were sleeping when a controversial tweet came from your account, make sure you also come up with an explanation for how you woke up to delete it seconds later.

Regards, NBA Referee Hotline

Jazz Bear vs. Kevin Durant

Dear Jazz Bear,

You have the worst name of any NBA mascot in history. And this hotline is for humans only. Get the f--- off the line.

Sincerely yours, NBA Referee Hotline

Brandon Jennings vs. Terry Rozier

Dear Mr. Jennings & Mr. Rozier,

First of all, you have to take turns talking when you are leaving a message on the hotline. It was impossible to tell what your question or complaint was, because you were both talking over each other. First, Mr. Jennings said something about an offensive foul, and then Mr. Rozier began yelling “Flop!” every time Mr. Jennings tried to continue. Then it sounded like both of you started fighting over the phone itself. When Mr. Rozier gained control, then Mr. Jennings started repeating everything he said in a sing-song voice. After that, we simply heard a series of slaps as one of you repeated, “Why are you hitting yourself?” before the call abruptly cut off.

We don’t understand where this beef comes from! Mr. Jennings has only been on the Wizards for two months. Is it because you ran into each other last month? Is it because Mr. Jennings stepped on Mr. Rozier’s shoe last week? Mr. Rozier, you have to know that when you react, it only makes him do it more. And Mr, Jennings, perhaps you should focus less on getting in Mr. Rozier’s head and more on getting the ball into the hoop. Regardless, even Ryan Murphy called in to complain that your feud was overly dramatic.

We have to stop this, whether it means taking away your teams' timeouts, or putting you both in timeout. We will turn this team bus right around if you don’t stop bothering each other! Don’t make the coaches separate you by playing James Young and Trey Burke! No one wants that. Start playing smart. But not like Marcus Smart. That guy’s a maniac.

Not angrily, just disappointedly yours, NBA Referee Hotline