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NBA Referee Hotline Bling: Paul Millsap needs a twin phone
Paul Millsap and Markieff Morris have been battling it out in the Hawks-Wizards series. Geoff Burke/USA TODAY Sports

NBA Referee Hotline Bling: Paul Millsap needs a twin phone

The NBA has a new hotline for players to call and speak their minds about NBA referees, and it's still active for the playoffs. Players can appeal technicals, ask for clarification and demand answers to why Scott Foster is still allowed to work playoff games. It's a way to blow off steam without risking a fine or turning into a T-shirt. Each week, we’ll present a look at the hotline’s responses, which are about as real as the foul on every Lou Williams three-point shot. We know when that hotline blings, that can only mean one thing: Paul Millsap is calling out a bully.

Paul Millsap vs. Markieff Morris

Dear Mr. Millsap,

We’re just going to come out and say it: We’ve been having problems with twins this year. First Robin Lopez fought Serge Ibaka. Now Mr. Morris is wrestling you, calling you a “cry baby” and threatening “double MMA,” whatever that is. And while we have never had a hint of trouble with Cliff Paul, his brother Chris is always complaining, getting technicals and punching people in the groin. Maybe he needs glasses?

We also find it troubling that Markieff's identical twin brother, Marcus, has been sitting in the stands wearing Markieff’s jersey. When you have identical twins, there’s  a high probability of tomfoolery, mix-ups and even shenanigans. This whole situation seems rife for jersey-switching, light farce and even "Parent Trapping," which is also how Markieff and Marcus used to defend the pick-and-roll back in Phoenix.

Our advice is to let the referees handle it. Nothing the league office can do would punish him more than normal foul trouble. Your Hawks have a deep and flexible bench. With Ian Mahinmi out, the Wizards' reserves are Kelly Oubre, Bojan Bogdanovic and then five randomly selected residents of Washington, D.C. Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg played nine surprisingly strong minutes at power forward in Game 3, but her outside shooting is bound to regress. Meanwhile, backup point guard Steve Bannon looked confused and winded and sweated through two jerseys before halftime. Everything should be fine going forward — but do tell us if you see an unusual amount of State Farm shirts in the crowd.

Fraternally yours, NBA Referee Hotline

Russell Westbrook vs. Profanity

Dear Mr. Westbrook,

For cursing in your post-game interview, you’ll be getting a fine of 15K. You can pay this back at your leisure, since based on your outfit, you’ll be busy attending a karate tournament that takes place inside the video for “Take on Me” by A-ha.

We are disappointed. Not for the f-bomb itself, but because we expect more. ONE slur? That’s fine for Andre Roberson. But we want transcendent, historical profanity. If you’re going to use the f-word, at least precede it with “mother.” Or go all out — “I don’t care about my damn m-----f---ing bleeping line.” That’s a triple-double of swearing, baby!

It’s unlike you to pass up the chance to take shots. Next time you’re asked a question, think about how you feel when you see Victor Oladipo spot up for a three-pointer. Or when Taj Gibson takes a free throw rebound away from you. Or when you watch Enes Kanter wave his arms like a human turnstile as James Harden drives for a dunk. Or when you remember that Kyle Singler still plays in the NBA. For your team! And he’s signed for three more years!

We’re very encouraged by the fire you’re continuing to display from the podium, but really let it fly! If someone asks Steven Adams another divisive question, we fully expect you to hit every single one of George Carlin’s seven dirty words in your response.

Sincerely f---ing yours, NBA Referee Hotline 

Jae Crowder vs. Robin Lopez

Dear Mr. Crowder,

You see what we mean about this twin thing? I mean, are the kids constantly fighting and flagrant fouling each other in the womb? Are they making up their own languages and using it to trash talk each other? It’s troubling!

So you threw Mr. Lopez’s shoe into the crowd, and he responded by grabbing you and untying your shoe. No real harm, though we did get a breathy phone call from former NFL coach Rex Ryan about the whole thing. Mr. Lopez also called the hotline to weigh in on this play, but he wasn’t wearing shoes. And as you know, no shirt, no shoes, no service.

Ultimately, we will be referring this incident to our head of footwear discipline, Mr. Austin Danger Powers:

Groovily yours, NBA Referee Hotline

Patrick Beverley vs. Oklahoma City

Dear Mr. Beverley,

We have reviewed the tape of your incident with the fan in Oklahoma City and are upholding your 25K fine for confronting him after the game. Regardless of the behavior, returning to yell at a fan after an incident is an automatic fine, because the league doesn’t want another Malice at the Palace. Or a Melee at Chesapeake Energy. Or something catchier. We are still workshopping potential riot names.

However, we will be conducting an investigation into the practices of the Thunder as well. The abusive fan was a son of Jay Scaramucci, who made his fortune in Bohemian Rhapsodies. Perhaps you know of him — he does the fandango. Mr. Scaramucci is a minority owner, by which we mean he owns a small stake in the team.

This inappropriate behavior is par for the course for Oklahoma City, where fans greet their former stars with screaming abuse and ill-fitting cupcake T-shirts. You yourself received a death threat in 2013 — from a Thunder ball boy! And yet TV telecasts still present this as a fun place to play basketball. Just once we’d like to hear announcers be honest about crowds:

“People say these are the best fans in the world, but honestly they're trash. Front-runners, ugly. Zero home-court advantage here. The only reason they sell out these games is that there's nothing else in this terrible town to distract these mutants.”

The entire ownership group grifted its way to getting a basketball team in the first place with profits from fracking and hoodwinking the city of Seattle. Since then, multiple owners have been under federal investigation for rigging land leases and sued under antitrust laws. So cursing out an opposing player and waving a clapper in his face is actually a minor transgression by OKC ownership standards. The NBA might not fine this family, but it’s extremely likely that the Justice Department will.

We’ll insist that the Thunder improve its security procedures, but you can rest easy. It appears very unlikely you’ll have to return for a Game 6. 

Jawingly yours, NBA Referee Hotline

Larry Bird vs. LeBron James

Dear Mr. Bird,

We reviewed the play you called about, and it does look like LeBron James takes four steps after he picks up his dribble. There should have been a traveling violation called, but you have to understand something. If a play ends in a sick monster jam, you can pretty much do anything you want before that: palm the ball, crab dribble, Eurostep, electric slide, Achy Breaky, whatever. Was it traveling? Sure, but it was a victimless crime.

You have to remember, these are different eras. Standards change from generation to generation. LeBron can shuffle his feet as much as he wants before cashing series-clinching three-pointers, while Dominique Wilkins was once nearly arrested for flagrantly abandoning his pivot foot. Robert Parish could beat Bill Laimbeer into the ground without getting ejected, while Draymond Green got suspended from a Finals game for almost grazing an opposing player with his fingertips. And nowadays players can openly take supplements and protein shakes, while in the '80s Michael Ray Richardson had to go in the bathroom to do cocaine. Whether it’s LeBron James or John Cougar Mellencamp, there’s a different set of rules for superstars.

Speaking of a different set of rules, there’s nothing in the league bylaws that says a team president can’t eat dessert for every meal. Mr. Bird, it was a tough series and a disappointing sweep. Go ahead and treat yourself to some wedding cakes. We bet you could go through about 20 of them by draft night. 

Crabbily yours, NBA Referee Hotline

Rajon Rondo vs. Jae Crowder

Dear Mr. Rondo,

Why won’t anyone let Mr. Crowder be? Mr. Lopez is untying his shoes, and now you’re trying to trip him on the bench? For shame, Mr. Rondo!

You claimed that after you’ve had ACL surgery, sometimes your leg just straightens out and you don’t know why. That’s not only unbelievable, but it’s a dangerous precedent. Mr. Crowder has had a wrist injury, so sometimes his arm might just fly out and punch you in the face. Or tear off the sleeves of your blazer. Never mind, someone seems to have done that already.

Blazingly yours, NBA Referee Hotline

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