NBA Referee Hotline Bling: Rihanna calls 'Brick'

Dear Ms. Fenty,

Thank you for your continued and passionate support of the NBA, both on and off the court. We are always thrilled to have music superstars sitting courtside at big games, particularly when they’re not Drake. Our colleague Jeff Van Gundy wanted us to convey his own particular appreciation, though we declined to send along his Snapchat handle. He says that as far as he’s concerned, you are the only girl in the world.

That being said, we couldn’t really understand your message. It had an extremely catchy beat, don’t get me wrong, but all that we could make out was “La la la la la la” and then the word “Hey” roughly 120 times, interspersed with “Brick!” We can only assume this was directed at Kevin Durant, judging by his stare down after he sunk a three right in front of you.

Ms. Fenty, I don’t think yelling at Durant bothers him, given how little he’s affected by physical defense, online criticism, jersey burning, and former teammates’ pregame costumes. And while we encourage cheering, we wish you would not try to affect the outcome by affecting the players. The broadcast team has already been shook enough.

Take care, NBA Referee Hotline

J.R. Smith vs. Kevin Durant

Dear Mr. Smith,

We looked at the tape, and we found no grounds that Kevin Durant dunked “flagrantly and with willful disregard” for your reputation, so we reject your demand for settlement. However, we are going to have no notify the authorities that you fled the scene of an accident. But there was a great deal of reckless behavior from your whole team. The Cavs’ Game 1 defense at the rim was a total car wreck.  And for whatever reason, your team persisted in speeding on offense, even after a severe blowout.

We would notify your insurance company, but it appears that all of your wing insurance is all quite old. The Kyle Korver policy is still active, but it doesn’t provide full coverage. The Iman Shumpert requires high premiums, but it’s only liability. The Deron Williams policy has been recalled by multiple organizations the past few years. And the James Jones expired years ago. We suggest that next time you exchange information with your colleagues, and see if you can do online transition defense school to erase this from your record.

Sincerely yours, NBA Referee Hotline

Kevin Love vs. Kevin Durant

Dear Mr. Love,

We saw your appeal of this play, claiming Kevin Durant should have been called for a double dribble in the backcourt. Our judgment is that Mr. Durant did not dribble with his first touch; he was merely gathering the ball after his impressive and soul-crushing block of your shot attempt. The ball was still out of control, probably due to the puddle of flop sweat underneath your body. Mr. Durant had no choice but to secure the ball with two hands, given the likely coating of tears, snot, hopes, dreams, and self-respect that you left behind when the block happened.

Mr. Love, we understand you crying after such a play, but what we don’t understand is crying to the referees. As Mr. Durant presumably said as he sent your shot back, “Get that weak stuff out of here!”

Sincerely yours, NBA Referee Hotline

LeBron James vs. The Warriors Defense

Dear Mr. James,

Thanks for your itemized list of the 28 different times that you were fouled on drives to the basket. There is indeed a lot of physical contact in the lane, from bumps to elbows to wrist slaps to wet willies to Indian burns to dead legs. And the referees have indeed had a “let them play” attitude we haven’t seen since the Bad News Bears broke training. But the problem is, if the referees started following the rules as strictly as you’re asking, we’d also have to do something you’d hate: start calling traveling.

Sincerely yours, NBA Referee Hotline

P.S. If you’ve noticed some muscle soreness after your fall , we recommend yoga classes and switching onto Zaza Pachulia.