Originally written on Purple Jesus Diaries  |  Last updated 11/18/14
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Despite several aggressive and haunting beatings provided by Vikings fans to the contrary, those god damn rumors about former Chicago Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher joining the Minnesota Vikings just won't die. Fans have tried breaking the rumors' nose, shattering several ribs, burning their house down, and threatening legal action, all to no avail. Somehow, these rumors keep coming back, and sometimes even stronger. Which raises the question; will Vikings fans have to plan an assassination attempt on these Brian Urlacher to the Vikings rumors before they go away? We investigate. Vikings fans are persistent. When the team let former middle linebacker Jasper Brinkley walk in free agency, that was when the rumors first started showing up around the local pool halls. Vikings fans were just playing a nice game of pool, shooting some balls and drinking some beers, when this rumor appeared and casually started dropping hints to fans like, "Hey, your team always signs old NFC North rival players. Urlacher may be available soon. You guys should pick him up." The rumors didn't stand a chance immediately, as they were taken out in the back alley, beaten to a pulp of flesh and left for dead behind a rat filled dumpster. But that wasn't even close to the end of them. A while later the Chicago Bears actually stated formally that they were no longer going to pursue signing Urlacher back to their team, stating that the franchise was not able to come to terms. Urlacher was free to sign with anyone he wanted to, and the beacon shone brightest on the Vikings with their now large gap at the middle linebacker position. The rumors appeared again then, bumping into Vikings fans at the local shopping mart in the meat aisle. Alarmed, Vikings fans would grab anything within reach ... French baguettes, frozen 16 pound turkeys, two liter bottles of Pepsi ... and savagely destroy the face of these rumors once more. With nerves running high, Vikings fans tried to rationalize out what this all meant while calling for a clean up on aisle seven. OK, OK, maybe the Vikings would sign Urlacher for a year while they drafted a middle linebacker in the upcoming NFL Draft. That was awful, but not the worst thing, right? RIGHT?! Thinking it was settled, Vikings fans found themselves both ecstatic and worried after the NFL Draft had passed. The team did draft a linebacker in the draft, two of them in fact, but neither of whom are considered Day One starters or are traditional middle linebackers. The position is still a question mark, and Vikings fans started noticing suspicious cars driving by their house at night with the lights off, assuming the worst. And they were right to do so. Tuesday it leaked out that Urlacher is allegedly down to deciding between the Denver Broncos or the Minnesota Vikings, while leaning towards signing with the Vikings. This comes days after the rookie mini camps occurred, which likely told the Vikings brass that they didn't have the immediate solution at middle linebacker they were hoping for through the draft. The rumors all of a sudden stopped being so secretive and started obviously bumping into Vikings fans. Fender benders with the rumor, being outbid on eBay by the rumor, the rumor is sleeping with Vikings fans wives now. When will it end?! There is only one thing left to do. Buy some napalm and put an end to these rumors once and for all. Perhaps Brian Urlacher does sign with the Vikings to fill that middle linebacker spot. So be it. But then Urlacher, the Vikings, and these rumors will have to watch from inside hellfire as Vikings fans reach their final straw and burn the rumors to the ground. It won't be pretty, but it will be necessary to prevent this outrage. [follow]
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