Originally written on Purple Jesus Diaries  |  Last updated 7/2/12
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Would it surprise you if I said that Chicago Bears linebacker, Brian Urlacher, was dating a Real Doll? You know, one of those Japanese dolls that are built life size, with real soft skin, gentle hair, and "workable" parts? Because that is pretty much what this thing, Jenny McCarthy, looks like that recently graced the cover of the magazine for true gentlemen recently, Playboy.

So do we say, "Good for you, Brian, on owning a piece of plastic that looks this authentic, you must be a millionaire to afford this type of technology," or do we just tell him, "Dude, you are having sex with a blow up doll, and a stupid one at that, what the hell is wrong with you?"


Personally, I never thought that our favorite swaggy bro from Chicago, Jay Cutler, would ever be able to one-up on Brian Urlacher, the ULTIMATE Chicago Bear. But then you find out that Cutler actually has a working penis (allegedly) because his much more attractive female life partner, Kristin Cavallari, is pregnant with an actual bro baby, while Brian Urlacher is rubbing his dirty genitals up against a robot that was programmed to think vaccines cause autism. ARE YOU KIDDING ME, YOU STUPID *****, DIE ALREADY.

This shouldn't come as a huge surprise, I guess. The way Urlacher plays, looks, and generally lives his live, would easily make one think he's had multiple concussions and can't tell the difference between blue and potato. If this guy actually finishes out this NFL season, I will be impressed, but then only begin to wonder if he's slowly having parts of his body replaced by his photoshopped, waxed over, brainless looking, vapid ***** of a sauces dumpster.

Really, that would explain a lot.

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