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NFL Referee Hotline: Mike McCarthy is sick of these calls
USA TODAY Sports

NFL Referee Hotline: Mike McCarthy is sick of these calls

The NFL is going strong, and we're imagining a world where the NFL adds a hotline for players, coaches and GMs to call to complain about penalties, get clarification on rules and challenge replay challenges – just like the NBA. Of course, commissioner Roger Goodell may change the phone number at any time. All responses are about as authentic and real as Ezekiel Elliott's tackling efforts. We know when that hotline blings, it can only mean one thing: The Packers coach's ears are ringing. Packers vs. Falcons

Dear Mike McCarthy,

You were clearly quite upset with the officials with how they called pick plays. Specifically, you objected to the offensive pass interference flag on Martellus Bennett in the second quarter, and also the flag on Geronimo Allison in the third. In fact, you got so heated on the sideline that you drew an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty just before halftime. And while those penalties were inconsistent, we are baffled by your decision to record a mix tape dissing the referees as a result.

First of all, let’s address what you call your “rap guy name.” MC Carthy? That’s not very cool, nor did it display a lot of effort. You’re already fighting an uphill battle making your hip hop debut at age 53 in the city of Green Bay, and we’ll put this in terms Wisconsin can understand. It’s cheesy. And then some of the song titles  – “Discount Double Check Yo Self”? “Hard Block Life”? And if the verse you left on the hotline is any indication, you are going to get sued by Naughty By Nature:

“You down with OPI? Well I’m not that guy!”

We will make you a deal. Randall Cobb can commit two blatant pick plays in each game if you promise to destroy this mix tape. And please, please throw away your du rag.

Treacherously Yours, NFL Referee Hotline
 

Dear Eli Manning,

We reviewed the tape, and on your 4th-and-goal play in the fourth quarter, you did not snap the ball in time. It was close, but the play clock clearly showed zero before the start of the play. But also, your timeout attempt was highly unorthodox. For whatever reason, instead of simply signaling for a stoppage, you offered to sell the officials a “game-used timeout from Super Bowl XLII.” Clearly, there’s no way that’s genuine.

This wasn’t the only questionable moment from the game. You claimed that your second quarter interception shouldn’t have counted because the defensive back didn’t also get a certificate of authenticity. You also said it was the same football Joe Namath used in Super Bowl III, which is also clearly not true. Also you were late coming back to the field after halftime, and stadium staff reported that was because you were selling car stereos in the parking lot.

Mr. Manning, we aren’t sure what’s happening to you. Your team is 0-2, you’re making bad decisions, and your eBay account was suspended because of negative user feedback. We hope you can turn it around next week in Philadelphia, but more than that, we hope you stop scalping phony tickets to next week’s game in Philadelphia.

Authentically Yours, NFL Referee Hotline


Sep 17, 2017; Pittsburgh, PA, USA; Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin (left) reacts with side judge Boris Cheek (41) against the Minnesota Vikings during the fourth quarter at Heinz Field. The Steelers won 26-9. Mandatory Credit: Charles LeClaire-USA TODAY Sports USA TODAY Sports

Dear Mike Tomlin,

At first we didn’t believe your claim about the personal foul called on William Gay in the Cleveland game. You said the officials only flagged him for a head shot after watching the replay on the video board, a practice the NFL agrees is not allowed. But Gay clearly hit the defenseless receiver in the helmet, even if the call was a bit delayed.

However, looking at the rest of the game revealed a disturbing pattern. In the third quarter, the head referee bizarrely called a fan for an “Illegal Block.” This appears to be a reference to a “Kiss Cam” segment, where a woman rebuffed her companion’s attempted smooch. He also failed to turn off his mic during one commercial break, and the entire stadium heard his answers to Browns Trivia - though he did know a lot about Bernie Kosar. The most egregious example of scoreboard watching came when he used an official timeout to announce that the “wandering football” was under the right-most helmet. (It was actually under the middle one.)

We’ve spoken to the referee in question, and we’ve banned him from watching the scoreboard for one week. If he does all his homework and gets all his replay challenges correct, only then can he get his scoreboard-watching privileges back.

Toughly But Fairly Yours, NFL Referee Hotline

Dear Evan Engram,

You received a penalty for an inappropriate gesture after your first career touchdown. It was a crotch grab. You claimed it was unintentional, but clearly your hand rests over your private area for an extended time. We are willing to stipulate that you may have been shielding rather than grabbing, but it’s still going to cost you 15 yards every time you go into that area. If it makes you feel better, think of it as an illegal touching flag!

We do have a question. Are you and Eric Ebron the same guy? You can tell us, we won’t be mad. You two have almost the same name, and your listed height and weight are almost identical. And he started playing much better once the college football season ended last year, almost as if he had more energy not having to play on Saturdays.

Look, we don’t know if this is a twin thing, identity theft, or general switcheroo shenanigans, but our theory is that the crotch grab signals the point when you switch uniforms. Are we close? If we’re right, grab your crotch twice after the next TD.

Confusedly Yours, NFL Referee Hotline

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