Found September 27, 2013 on Purple Jesus Diaries:
G'Day Mates! Jolly hello to all Vikings fans across the pond, aye? I must say, it'll take a quick noodle of a moment for me to put on my tea and crumpets, and then we'll get pissed for this American Soccer game, right quick! Should be a smashing time, with the galley's in an uproarious state, and the scotch flowing like beer, and two cricket teas going face to face! I'll do my best to scream "Atta bloke, cheerio, chiyo, glockenspiel, and tick tock the Big Ben" just like all you fat Yankees do in the colonies! It should be a gay time, full of gay enjoyment, and gay touching! Chip chip, Yankee doodles, let's kick this pig skin shape now and be on with the Steel Beams versus the Scandinavians! I don't know anything about England, apparently, but don't let that stop you from thinking the Vikings playing a game in another country during their regular season is suppose to be something cool. BECAUSE IT ISN'T. It just means season ticket holders got Parliament up their ass this year. Final year in the Metrodome! Better outsource a game! Jesus. Also, the 0-3 Vikings "host" the 0-3 Steelers and oh god, why is this game even happening? Thanks to Lightning for another great game day preview graphic! What a Suck Fest Ho-Lee crap buckets. I can't wait for this game to be over. A tattling match up between a group of purple clad idiots and aging Super Bowl champs is about the last thing I'm looking forward to watching this weekend. But here we are. I am clearly in an abusive relationship. And I just feel bad for the People with Bad Teeth, ya know? "Oh lookie, Prime Minister, we get to watch Soccer Foot from the States! What's this ... They are awful? Blimey! What disrespect is this to the Queen?" The fact that these two teams are so awful is slightly enjoyable on a schadenfreude level, however, as I doubt Red Pube commissioner ever thought the big international game this week would be such a suck fest. "Hey, London! Want to own an NFL franchise like one of these teams up for contraction? How fun!" That's a tough sell, bro. But, hey, f*ck you London, stay away from my sport. Favre Rumors Will Make Me Kill Buckle up your butt holes, kids, and turn off all text message notifications, because Brett Favre is back in the news. His agent Bus Cook hit up anyone who would listen this week and commented that old Silver Fox could still play in the NFL is he wanted to, if anyone, was like, looking for a quarterback or something. Cook even went so far a to say Favre's arms "look like a blacksmith's arms", which I'm not entirely sure if that's racist or not. Cook also had a throw away line of "[Favre] could play today, better than a lot of them out there today" which is CLEARLY a veiled reference to Ponder and Cassel, right? Well ... There is a totally random thread on KFAN's Rubechat this week where a supposed "insider" (Note: Totally not an insider, probably) claims there is more to these comments than meets the Transformer. Notably, there are behind the scene conversations with Favre AND Winfield (Who also is in limbo, and apparently they could be a packaged deal) to return to the Vikings. But alas, amazing and now-available quarterback Josh Freeman may throw all those super confirmed plans into the incinerator. But it was fun to dream of for a second, right? I mean ... It would have been if we weren't coming back to the USA with an 0-4 record, anyway. Ponder's Last Supper? All of that would be awesome news for the Vikings too, even if it ended in a horrible dumpster fire, because what we currently have at quarterback is like a volcano housing a burning bag of ****. Of course, I'm talking about Christian Ponder, who has been conveniently battling a rib injury this week while practicing in Foggy London Town. Matt Cassel started taking first team reps more earlier in the week, while Ponder apparently turned a corner and was able to make throws in practice later this week too. Big Leslie Frazier is apparently going to announce the starter sometime today, likely as soon as this blog is posted so I have to edit it (What do you know? Cassel is announced as starter!), but boy, wouldn't that be a convenient out for a quarterback who sucks and is reviled by the fans? "Whoops, sorry dudes, I'm injured. No can play!" But I really hoped he would have played. Ponder's appearance pretty much guarantees us that top draft pick. YOU'VE LET ME DOWN YOUR WHOLE CAREER CHRISTIAN, WHY COULDN'T YOU DO ME JUST THIS ONE SOLID? WHAT THE HELL MAN. Meme of the Week More Spider Man meme to share my essential feelings on watching the Vikings these days. Oh, hey guys in purple! Hear that? It's the sound of all the f*cks I don't give. The silence is deafening. You want me to start caring about your crappy showings week in and week out this fall? Then start winning. Because as soon as you start winning I'll be FURIOUS that you're trying so hard and losing draft rankings. IDIOTS. YOU CAN'T EVEN LOSE RIGHT. Scotch of the Week This week, scotch is particularly relevant since we're across the pond and oh-so-close to the famed distilleries. So, we have our eye turned to the Talisker Port Ruighe, and island scotch with a nose of peat (of course, because of islands, you see), caramel, and iodine, although it probably won't kill you the same (unless you drink a **** ton). The caramel really comes through on the tongue, but you also get some sweeter notes like strawberry, vanilla, and licorice. It's like a Halloween basket! Finishes with a punch of smoke, but even some of that fruit note again with pear, currant, grape gum, etc. Not bad as far as Talisker's go, and a bit more advanced scotch that will hopefully take your mind off of the fisting that will inevitably happen on your TV. Foreign Predictions I think we'll lose. I mean, I hope we lose. Could you imagine starting the year 0-4? How amazing. How great for football conversation. Boy, that would whip people up in a real ugly frenzy, wouldn't it?! We'd be calling for coach firings, player benchings, owner riots, even more so than we do now. And think about the competition! We'd have lost to the Browns AND the Steelers, two teams that are awful this year, that are easily going to be fighting us for draft positioning. Getting a tie breaker over them because they beat us during the regular season? HUGE. Probably the only clutch thing the Vikings can do. I'm feeling pretty good about a loss here. Ben Roethlishasdfhjsfdwhatever is the type of NFL QB that will feast on our defense. Especially when our defensive line can't get a decent rush this season, allowing Ben more time to go through reads is going to make a huge difference for their offense. And then, there's just no way our offensive line OR our offensive unit as a whole can stand up to a Pittsburgh defense, even if they are old and dumb. Steelers win a crapfest, we'll say 24-17. Enjoy your Earl Grey, folks. We'll see you for the always enjoyable bye week next week. [follow]
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