Originally posted on Vikings Digital Diaries  |  Last updated 7/18/12

Despite their criminal track record being the TOPS since 2000, the Minnesota Vikings have actively been trying to dissuade their players (particularly rookies ... Get 'em while they're young!) from finding themselves in troublesome situations. Whether that's encouraging them not to be out late at a bar in Houston, suggesting they don't choke their significant others, or even bringing strip club owners in to warn of the dangers of being a professional athlete, the Vikings will spare no expense. As was the case earlier this offseason when strip club owner Sean Bishop was brought in to tell these young players how horrible it is for NFLers to get caught up in bad situations ...

"Listen up, you stupid little punks, I DON'T NEED YOUR MONEY. I don't need it. Oh, sure, you signed your big rookie contract, you're hot **** now, aren't you, making lots of cash, money flowing out of your pockets, buying anything you want ... Well guess what. IT DOESN'T MATTER. You come to my strip club and I've seen idiots like your ugly face spend that money up in ONE NIGHT, totally disregarding your family and ******** all over your future. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?! Do you want 19 year old girls rubbing their firm breasts against your face, smelling like jasmine and lilacs? BECAUSE THAT WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE!

"Oh, sure. I know what you newcomers are thinking. You all think you're hot ****. That you won't fall to tricks of the flesh. That strip clubs are the place to be, dawg! Hot young ladies, barely with any hair on their crotches, whispering how much they LOOOOVVVE professional athletes in your ear. You think you're the first NFL guy they've ever seen? GET OUT. I personally guarantee you that a mister Fred Smoot has left millions of abandoned love children in the belly of each and every stripper you ever meet, ANYWHERE. Two thirds of the world is covered by water, the rest you know what they saw about Smoot. Your best bet? STAY AWAY.

"Don't try dating strippers, don't make friends with club owners, don't exchange tickets for blow jobs. I've seen it happen. It's terrible. No matter how much you think you are in love with that girl, you're not. It's no good. Getting boozed up every night for free ... having the WILDEST sex you could ever imagine, threesomes, foursomes, animals ... Feeling some of the world's most attractive women from the inside ... Living the life of a king ... It's terrible! I promise you! I wouldn't make this up!

"Just trust me on this, OK? Lap dances ain't no fun. Slappin' asses ain't no fun. Getting a stripper so drunk she let's you bust one off in her lazy eye is a TERRIBLE way to live your life. And they gonna be gunnin' for you, too. Believe me. You're like a giant blinking neon sign in a dingy, depressing, hell hole of society's corner street bar. You got money, youth, ignorance, and are likely willing to tear through more ass than a PRIDE parade. Don't. Save your money, wear turtleneck sweaters, buy an affordable and reliable domestic car, and eat plain toast for breakfast every morning. It works for Brad Childress, and he seems to be doing OK. Don't you want to be like Brad Childress?

"But really ... If you get yourself in trouble some night, just give me a call. I'll pick you up on my ride."

Psst! Satire! Mr. Bishop never said this, at least verbatim.

Ios_download En_app_rgb_wo_45

Report: Derrick Rose ‘leaning toward’ signing with Cavs

Report: Irving believes LeBron leaked word of trade request

Spieth tells caddie to 'get that' after incredible eagle putt

Jerry Jones weighs in on NFL's Ezekiel Elliott investigation

Report: Les Miles 'extremely interested'; in Ole Miss job


Draymond Green, Conor McGregor go at it on Instagram

McFadden missed Cowboys charter flight to training camp

Amari Cooper shows up to training camp looking jacked

LaVar Ball pulls entire AAU team from floor, forfeits game

WATCH: Tim Tebow blasts home run No. 4 since being promoted

Saban: HS players could start skipping senior seasons

Getaway Day: A pair of aces get lost in the shuffle

Sports & Politics Intersect: Trump casts shadow over U.S. Women's Open

Best of Yardbarker: General managers take the spotlight

The 'Pay that man his money' quiz

The unexpected rise of the Connecticut Sun

The National League Wild Card is suddenly relevant again

Kicking It: USMNT struggles to find consistency in Gold Cup as World Cup qualifying nears

Three Up, Three Down: The Dodgers are a complete juggernaut right now

BIG3 Week 5: Pivotal make-or-break weekend in Chicago

Who won the Open Championship in the year you were born?

Making an NFL GM change in the summer has its benefits

Box Score 7/21: Stay cool this weekend sports fans

NFL News
Delivered to your inbox
You'll also receive Yardbarker's daily Top 10, featuring the best sports stories from around the web. Customize your newsletter to get articles on your favorite sports and teams. And the best part? It's free!

By clicking "Sign Me Up", you have read and agreed to the Yardbarker Privacy Policy and Terms of Service. You can opt out at any time. For more information, please see our Privacy Policy.
Get it now!
Ios_download En_app_rgb_wo_45

Getaway Day: A pair of aces get lost in the shuffle

Sports & Politics Intersect: Trump casts shadow over U.S. Women's Open

The National League Wild Card is suddenly relevant again

The 'Pay that man his money' quiz

BIG3 Week 5: Pivotal make-or-break weekend in Chicago

The 'Let's show a little love for James Jones' quiz

Making an NFL GM change in the summer has its benefits

The 'Yoan Moncada era starts now' quiz

The Orioles need to unwind past deals if they are going to rebuild

BIG3 Referee Hotline Bling: Sam Hinkie is calling the shots

Today's Best Stuff
For Publishers
Company Info
Follow Yardbarker