Originally written on The Sports Headquarters  |  Last updated 9/8/12

Nothing like a divisional game to kick the season off right. Did you watch that Cowboys-Giants game? OF COURSE YOU DID! If you didn’t I want exactly nothing to do with you. You are as much of a patriot as Benedict Arnold. Football is back and as Americans it is our civil duty to park our asses in front on the television every Thursday through Monday night, completely ignoring our real life responsibilities in order to watch overgrown superhuman men play a glorified version of “kill the man with the football.” I love this country and that’s an understatement and a half. Without further nonsensical, semi-coherent, patriotic rantings, let’s get to the damn preview!

What the Bills Need to Do to Win This Game

Show up. Not even joking. You saw TSHQ’s season predictions already and I couldn’t have disrespected the Jets more if I tried. Put the Bills in second in the AFC East and if they were in a division like the AFC South I would probably have them in the playoffs. The Jets are so far away from the playoffs it’s not even funny. Fred Jackson and C.J. Spiller are going to run all over the Jets. If Ryan Fitzpatrick is as smart as his degree claims, he will stay the hell away from Darrelle Revis all game long. The only way the Bills lose this game is if they lose the game, because the Jets are not winning this game on their own merit. I mean, look at Yahoo!’s rather accurate prediction before a single game has even been played:

Hit the nail on the head I’d say. Jets in 4th before they even get a chance to put themselves in the basement. Bills will technically be tied for 1st so I guess I’ll let that slide. But Yahoo! coming in hot with the predictions. You won’t catch me complaining.

What the Jets Need to Do to Win This Game

Not a clue. Without any sort of hyperbole I don’t see the Jets winning this game. The Bills would have to lose on their own. That’s how anemic I believe this Jets offense is going to be in 2012. Shonn Green is going to have to carry the ball at least 25 times a game while averaging about five yards per carry. Mark Sanchez I can’t even lable a bust because he had no business being selected that early. Tim Tebow, in my honest, non-trolling opinion, is a viable option at quarterback BUT I’m not going to sit back and pretend like he can throw even semi-accurately regularly. So what does that mean for the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets? They better hope Darrelle Revis plays on an MVP-caliber level from the first quarter of Week 1 up until the final quarter of Week 17 in order to even consider the playoffs. Their offensive line is mediocre when playing up to max potential. Their receivers are weak. Their quarterbacks are… well, we all know.

It’s as if Rex Ryan went into the offseason and thought, “You know what, Rex. We need to liven things up a bit around here. I’m dropping weight like Santonio drops passes and it’s time to get the spotlight off of me for once. I got an idea, Rex. Let’s bring in the Jeremy Lin of the NFL, Rex. You see how many t-shirts than Asian from Harvard sold, Rex? Can you begin to imagine the amount of good press Timmy Tebow can bring in??? I could guarantee our Super Bowl victory parade would run through Sadam and Gamora while AC/DC was playing “Hells Bells” backwards, HAMMERED DRUNK, and it would come true, Rex. You know why? Tebow time, that’s why. Let’s make our weakest position even weaker by forcing unnecessary competition. Good thinking, Rex. Let’s get some Steak’ums. Mmmmmm Steak’ums arghlghlghl.”

Final Prediction

28-10 Bills. Listen, I have no idea what the spread is and while it would be incredibly easy to look up I’m far too lazy to do that. So here’s what I’m going to tell you, whatever the spread is, it’s far too low. The Jets have homefield. The Jets should probably be better than they will be this season. So I bet they’re getting too much credit. HAMMER the Bills here. Hey, I’m 1-0 ATS this season, how could I lead you astray?


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