Originally written on Barry Melrose Rocks  |  Last updated 11/16/14

***Welcome to the Chat Room of the Toronto Maple Leafs!***

I_Ron_Butterfly: OK guys, the win in Edmonton was pretty good, but we’re still pretty shaky in a lot of areas.  If we’re gonna make the playoffs and win, we still have to make a lot of improvements. That’s why I have arranged for a little help via Skype.

I_Ron_Butterfly: /shows team his iPad

MaiHartWIllDIon: Coach, why do you have a small Mexican trapped in your iPad? That doesn’t seem very nice.

Special_won:I am no Mexican, you imbecile.

KesselRun87Parsecs: Holy ****, it talks!

I_Ron_Butterfly: Boys, this here is José Mourinho. He’s coached various Euro Soccer clubs to a wheelbarrow’s worth of cups and titles.  He’s also one of the ballsiest, not-giving-a-**** coaches in any league or sport, and he’s not afraid to tell it like it is!

KesselRun87Parsecs: So…he’s a Mexican John Tortorella?

I_Ron_Butterfly: He’s a Tortorella who wins things and has a puppet parody on YouTube!

Special_won: Be honest with me, Mr. Coach Wilson. How are finances of your club?

I_Ron_Butterfly: Well, you’d have to talk to Brian Burke for the exact figure, but I know it’s one of the highest grossing teams in North America, regardless of sport.

Special_won: And Mr. Coach Wilson, are these players the best in their league?

I_Ron_Butterfly: Well, to be totally honest…I’d say no.

MaiHartWIllDIon: Thanks a lot, Ron.

KesselRun87Parsecs: Yeah, I love you, too.

Special_won: So step one—buy better players.

I_Ron_Butterfly: Mr. Mourinho, it’s really not that simple—

Special_won: Why you no understand? Is all about hommlettes and heggs. No heggs, no hommlettes. And it depends on quality of the heggs. Some are more expensive than others and some give you better hommlettes.

MaiHartWIllDIon: I dunno how you do things in Frenchie soccerland or whatever, but here we have a thing called the salary cap.

Special_won: Salary cap? I no understand.

I_Ron_Butterfly: Basically, teams can only spend so much, to keep things fair for all the teams.

Special_won: So even if you make more money, you cannot spend it?

I_Ron_Butterfly: Pretty much, yes.

Special_won: Your league is stupid. Change it.
 

I_Ron_Butterfly: I’m just one coach—

MaiHartWIllDIon: And I dunno what a Mexican would know about hockey anyway.

I_Ron_Butterfly: Dion, you can’t call everyone with brown skin who kinda speaks Spanish Mexican.  It’s racist and makes them mad.  You know how I know that?

MaiHartWIllDIon: How?

I_Ron_Butterfly: A Mexican told me.

Special_won: I am neither Mexican no Spanish.  Do not insult me so.  I am Portuguese.

KesselRun87Parsecs: Portuguese? Hahaha! Portuguese is a kind of dog, DUUUUUUUUUUUUH.

FrutulLupul: You’re thinking of a Pekingese, you *******.

Special_won: You—with the orange skin. Who are you? What you do for team?

FrutulLupul: I’m Joffrey Lupul.  I score goals. I get assists. I troll Ottawa.

Special_won: Ottawa? I hate those guys. I am starting to like you. BUT NO ONE IS IRREPLACEABLE.

MaiHartWIllDIon: Wait, you said you’re from Portugal? Isn’t that like being Spain’s Canada, only without the awesome healthcare?

KesselRun87Parsecs: And with higher crime rates?

FrutulLupul: And with a lower quality of life?

I_Ron_Butterfly: Man, no wonder you left Portugal to coach a real team.

Special_won: Shut up, all of you. Now, I hev been reading about ice hockey in the Wikipedia.  But I cannot understand much and cannot believe it is true.

MaiHartWIllDIon: Well, Mr. Mexi—I mean, Spani—I mean, whatever. I’m the captain of the team, so I can help you out.

Special_won: Let me get this straight—you put knives on your shoes, and then run around a field of ice?

MaiHartWIllDIon: We call ‘em skates, but yeah, pretty much.

Special_won: And then, after you put on knife shoes, you bat around a small disk into a goal, all the while hitting each other at fast speeds?

MaiHartWIllDIon: Yesss…

Special_won: And you don’t fall down all the time, like you are shot by sniper?

KesselRun87Parsecs: What do you think we are? The Canucks? The Habs?

Special_won: You people are insane.

MaiHartWIllDIon: What do you mean “you people”?

Special_won: You…hockey people. You people with knives on your feet who don’t fall down on purpose.

MaiHartWIllDIon: Racist.

Special_won: Be champions.


Glove tap to @reasonabledoubt for many, many youtube links.  







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