Originally written on Puck Huffers  |  Last updated 11/14/14

NEWARK, NJ - DECEMBER 30: Sidney Crosby #87 of the Pittsburgh Penguins skates during the game against the New Jersey Devils at the Prudential Center on December 30, 2009 in Newark, New Jersey. (Photo by Bruce Bennett/Getty Images)
Ahhh. Clicking the text centering button again. It feels like... It feels like watching a Flyers fan file out of the arena in the 2nd period, tear-stained "Crosby Sucks" poster under arm. It feels like not caring that the guy behind you spilled beer down your back because he's wearing black and gold and goddamn if that puck didn't almost tear a hole in the back of the Caps' net just now. It feels like frantically refreshing after your feed goes out and having it come back just in time to see Malkin pass to Crosby pass to Malin pass to  GOALLLLL!!! It feels like good friends, late nights, and screaming your throat raw. Jesus. It finally feels like hockey season. It's going to be short, obviously. It's going to be fast and hard fought. We will be here with a dick joke every step of the way. News about us from the extended off season? Kim bought a home bar, has moved from whiskey to gin, and can still drink you under the table. Zoë still prefers whiskey and also various pretentious cocktails. She can't drink you under the table but will shout at you from under it. We assume our alcohol habits are all that matter to you because they are all that matter to us. More importantly, THIS TEAM WE HAVE Sidney Crosby Is back from riding his trusty camel through the endless desert. Best shape of his life. Is angry and needy and wants everyone dead. Still bathes in blood of virgins. Evgeni Malkin Second in scoring in the KHL. Still a sign from God that Pittsburgh is the chosen land. Is going to crush skulls and worry us when he gets up too slow after collisions. Volumizes with champagne because it gives "big shine." James Neal The ginger beard runs free across the plains. Hidden in his fridge, which is probably full of Chobani and spinach and sparkling grape juice, is the Secret, which must be kept at prime operating temperature or else hellfire will rain down. The first one he nets will be from the top of the right circle. Chris Kunitz Heard through the grapevine that we took a historically long time to warm up to the idea of him as a Penguin. Now has pictures of us coating his walls, strings leading to points on maps, newspaper articles, and doll body parts. This will be the season he makes us regret ever not being emotionally attached to him. Brandon Sutter Lord of the Breakaways. One of the most exciting players on the roster when you realize he spent most of his big minutes successfully containing the likes of Malkin, Ovechkin, and St. Louis. Kid's got attitude. We hear he killed a trucker to unlock the achievement. Tyler Kennedy Go ask your mom. We hear he gave her a lot of "information" last night. Also, fastest man alive, version 9.0 Matt Cooke Father of the year. Wouldn't hold the door open for your wife. Will be right where he belongs, in the corners and the paint, distracting people with his dubious public image and perfect hands. Pascal Dupuis Declined nomination for father of the year because he didn't want his children's cuteness to burn the retinas of the judging panel. Better person than you. Will score his first goal in game 6 on a confusing breakaway and you will cry. Tanner Glass Turns his enemies into embellishments for apparel using the BeDazzler. (They get so shiny because he can compress carbon until it becomes a diamond after he has killed them.) Probably going to **** some people up like this in the coming weeks. Eric Tangradi Have you wondered what the terror alert color is recently? You can thank Eric Tangradi for that. You can also go ahead a pre-stamp envelopes for those "thanks for that assist" letters now. Craig Adams Atop Mount Olympus, he presides over his empire with wisdom and grit. We can only imagine that his anger and power is more intense after being directly involved in all of these negotiations. He probably threatened to lay down and block international trade routes to the United States in the middle of various oceans to get this **** done. Steve MacIntyre Those sideburns aren't just for show - watch out. We will woo him this season with succulant fruits and exotic cheeses until we know enough about him to form involved sexual opinions. Dustin Jeffrey Is alone in the dark. We don't know. Will not share his Butterfinger with you. Joe Vitale ...has been watching us. And everyone else. From a mountain top. He's been planning his return and more likely than not personally caused the doors to be opened. We're not saying he's God, but he's probably God's favorite son. Water into wine is ******** next to one of his take-over-the-world shifts. Paul Martin Needs a redemption season like we need Tostitos. Maybe will stop taking eyewear fashion advice from Nik Kronwall. One of these days. Brooks Orpik Spent his off time sharpening his skates until the point was actually one split atom away from destroying the east coast. Cut through the floors of several practice arenas before realized he had to dull them on several thousand prostitute's throats. The Allegheny rose four inches this off season due to increased "silt deposits." Isn't satisfied yet. Kris Letang Incubated himself in light cotton sheathing on the flight back from Russia to maintain his complexion in harsh temperatures. Will not tell the media this, but a chorus of ethereal white rabbits came to him to deliver the news of the end of the lockout. Convinced they were sent by Kimmo Timonen to mess with him. Baptized his child in Armani cologne. Matt Niskanen After being declared "in" with us checked his stock daily on celebrity stock exchange. Fell into deep depression after realizing we have no effect on such a thing. Went through crisis involving hair. His emotional state is unimportant to us, but we'll keep you posted on the hair. Brian Strait Sticks to your ribs better than Memphis BBQ. No idea if we'll see him again, but we Remember him and Despres managing not to explode during the Flyers series. It will be remembered. Deryk Engelland Makes us feel like we've been covered in mashed potatoes from head to toe, for some reason. In a good way. Maybe he'll take us all to the drive-in this spring and then take us home and feed us warmed up leftovers from his mom's mac-and-cheese night. Oh, also he'll break someone's neck before the playoffs. But in a cute way. Ben Lovejoy Ain't afraid of no ghosts. Will be there when we need him, trying really hard to do whatever it is that he does. Marc-Andre Fleury LOLOL HAI GUYZ I MEESED YOU HAHAHA I CAN'T WAIT FOR ZE JUICEZ I HAVE BEEN PROMIZED LOLOLOL WHERE IS KRIS I HAVE SOMETHING FUNNY TO TELL HIM LOLOLOL Thomas Vokoun A white knight for a new generation. Will probably be too busy knowing what the **** is up to pay attention to our cries in the middle of this hectic season. Will stand on barren fields of battle among corpses at sunset and be unaffected. We have a good bit of cap space left. No one is really available, but this ain't over. Now, kick back, relax, go watch the PRACTICE DAY VIDEOS FROM TODAY OH MY GOD MAF LAUGHS WHEN KRIS IS MENTIONED IT IS AMAZING. We're gonna be right here. We promise there will be more pictures next time. We love you. Oh, and also? Go Pens.
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