LATEST STORIES FROM KISSING SUZY KOLBER
KILL KILL KILL: Fighting Over The Kill
As I said last week, I don’t have much of a stomach for the actual killing part of the KILL KILL KILL series even if in my own home there is a small rodent sacrifice every week for our pet snake. However, I don’t mind the bloody business of animals eating animals, which leads us to this week’s video starring a peregrine falcon, a yellow lab and a freshly killed duck.
Since...
Lord Rog Wants A More Humane Way Of Cutting Players
Speaking at the Spring Meetings yesterday, Lord Roger Goodell said the NFL has been looking at more humane ways to release players from the league.
“We look at our players from a total wellness standpoint,” Goodell said. “It’s not just a physical wellness, it’s a mental wellness. And what can we do to try and make sure that we’re helping our players make the transitions...
GRUDEN TALK: Jon and Herm Discuss Rob Ford’s Crack Problem with Professor Jonathan Rose
Jon: WELCOME BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW WHERE WE DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY. BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, DO YOU KNOW ABOUT CRACK COCAINE?
Herm: YOU CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST WHILE YOU’RE ON CRACK SO I DON’T SMOKE CRACK.
Jon: AMEN BROTHER. THOUGH I WONDER IF IT HELPS YOU GRIND TAPE. ANYWAY WE GOT QUEENS UNIVERSITY PROFESSOR JONATHAN ROSE HERE TO DISCUSS...
Tom Brady’s Pitbull Rumored To Be Running Amok On Children’s Playgrounds
Via The Weekly Meat
When a little tidbit like this pops up in your Twitter feed, you cannot help but want to check out the veracity of the story. Neighborhood gossip? Tom Brady? Gisele? A dog? Yes please, we want to know more.
Since this came to our attention via a friend of a friend, we dug a little deeper to see if this really happened. We already knew Tom Brady had a pit named...
The NFL Wants Your Ass Off Of Your Couch And In Their Hard Plastic Seats
Image via some Rick Reily article where he did the same stupid thing only with stupid jokes about Matthew Matthew McConaughey movies.
You guys, the NFL is really worried about you staying home to watch games on television. And why shouldn’t they be? Sure they’re making $20 billion off of TV revenue, but at what cost? The cost of $12 beers and $40 parking, I guess. How big a problem...
Rob Gronkowski’s Fourth Surgery A Success
New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski is finally a part of some good news, as NFL.com’s Ian Rapoport reported yesterday that his latest forearm surgery was a success. Doctors were able to install new plates into his left forearm, and the good news doesn’t stop there, because no other surgeries are anticipated as the infection is finally gone. That’s the forearm infection...
Don’t Drink And Drive, Don’t Drink And Fry, Josh Portis.
Via Christmas Ape, still on vacation.
Seattle PI reports Seahawks backup quarterback Josh Portis was arrested by Washington State Patrol for suspicion of drinking while under the influence back on Cinco de Mayo and will be arraigned next week in Redmond Courthouse. The trooper noted there was “a strong odor of intoxicants coming from the vehicle” and Portis had “watery...
Let’s Just Solve All Our Problems And Combine The Draft, The Pro Bowl And A Mini Pony Show
Via Vanessa Bryant.
This is possibly one of the slowest weeks in NFL news on the calendar… for now.
Rumors heated back up today about the NFL Draft being moved to the middle of May in 2014 as a temporary trial date with an eye towards negotiating with the NFLPA to move the start of the season — read: free agency and trading — before the combine in 2015 in an effort to...
NFL Analyst Power Rankings (Official) #6- Rick Reilly
I’m PFT Commenter and I’m counting down the 10 sharpest minds in the industry. Where will your favorite analyst or sports person land? (probably not high)
Ranked on: Infotainment value, being a pros pro and strength of takes
6. Rick Reilly
Infotainment Value: 10
Ricks been somewhat unfairly criticized due to the size of his contract which to be fair isnt really his fault. You...
Ray Rice, Leave The Photoshops To The Bloggers
Via Ray Rice’s Facebook Page
Associated Web Writers of America
5528 Mother’s Basement Lane
Ames, Iowa 50012
May 20, 2013
Mr. Ray Rice
c/o Baltimore Ravens
1101 Russell Streeet
Baltimore, MD 21230
Dear Mr. Rice:
It is with great sadness we reach out to you today, Mr. Rice. On behalf of the entire web writing and blogging community, I must beseech you to immediately stop posting...
Peter King Says Jimmy Haslam Is Innocent and Richard Sherman Is Guilty And He’s The Judge, Jury And Executioner of MMQB
Hey folks, with Christmas Ape on his Lord of the Rings walkabout it fell on me to fisk noted enemy of Messrs. Strunk and White Peter King this week. Will Peter King quote his good buddy Donnie Brasco? Will he take everything that Tom Brady says at face value? Can I ask even more leading questions? Read on to find out!
Considering what a transcendent talent Tom Brady is...
San Francisco Is (Not Surprisingly) The Frontrunner To Host Super Bowl 50
With the San Francisco 49ers’ new Levi’s Stadium, by all accounts, set to become the world’s greatest sports venue – sorry, Clearwater Hooters – it’s a given that it will be the home to the NFL’s grandest celebration of the league’s unparalleled success, Super Bowl L. Nevertheless, the 49ers and city officials are still presenting their case to the league for the...
What you missed over the weekend: Weddings, Engagement Rings, Rugby and Barbecue
Via @RGIII.
- Fans reportedly bought out RG III’s wedding registry at Bed Bath and Beyond, but if you look at the registry there are still quite a number of items still listed as needed, so either RG III is big on hyperbole or if the couple is adding new items to their wish list. (Or perhaps in a fit of sanity, fans are canceling their orders.)
Thank you to the Fans who are...
Sexy Friday Invites You To The First Bikini Beach Party Of The Summer
As much as I respect my UPROXXian colleague Danger Guerrero, his opinions on the ocean are what my Jewish grandmother Sylvia would have called, “Bupkis” if she actually existed. Sure, I hate things like sharks and octopi and whales and jellyfish and krakens, but if it weren’t for the oceans, we wouldn’t have beaches, and without beaches we wouldn’t have bikinis, and without...
KSK Kontent Klearinghouse: Guns, Hot Air Balloons and Cheeseheads
Via The Jets Blog
- New York Jets running back Mike Goodson was arrested early this morning when police discovered him and another man intoxicated in a parked SUV in Denville, New Jersey. CBSSports.com’s Will Brinson reports Goodson was found to be in possession of marijuana, drug paraphernalia, an unlawful handgun, a loaded gun and hollow-point rounds. Bail was set for Goodson...
Bill Belichick hates your minor health concerns
Kyle Love was recently diagnosed with Diabetes, which is astounding considering how healthy he is.
Anyway, Mr Love was released two weeks later due to “non-football injury”. Yeah, they can try to be coy, but lets be real here. He got released for his Diabetes. Now, Jay Cutler has Diabetes, but it doesn’t really affect his play. Jay Cutler’s lack of O-line causes his play...
This Week In F–k You: The Ocean
Summer is almost here. This means a number of things: warm weather, the smell of fresh cut grass, sitting outside after dinner with an iced tea or adult beverage and laughing with friends, etc. But it also means a bunch of disturbed people are going to fire up their misguided love affair with the ocean. “Oh, the ocean is so relaxing,” they’ll say, like idiots. “I love everything...
KSK Kommenter Draft: Chopped Mystery Basket
Welcome back for another round of fierce kommenter drafting. This week we’re going to be picking our own mystery baskets for an episode of Chopped. For those unfamiliar with the show, there are three rounds, each with its own mystery basket. Each basket contains four ingredients that the chefs must use in dish that is then judged on taste, presentation and creativity. You know...
NFL Analyst Power Rankings (Official) #7- Chris Berman
I’m PFT Commenter and I’m counting down the 10 sharpest minds in the industry. Where will your favorite analyst or sports person land? (probably not high)
Ranked on: Infotainment value, being a pros pro and strength of takes
7. Chris Berman
Infotainment Value: 9
Boom switches from just a nother guy at the barstool crackin wise to giving it to you straight mode faster then anyone...
KSK Sex & Fantasy Football Mailbag: We Got the Full Spectrum Here
We got a big mailbag this week, people. Sure, there’s the usual run of fantasy questions, but more impressively, we seem to have the full spectrum of relationships here — from getting engaged to being on the rocks to EPIC break-ups to happily married and living on a cruise ship. It’s a fun one. Let’s dive in.
Caveman,
Football first: My league switched to keepers this...
Josh Cribbs’s First Feature Film Has A Movie Poster: THE MURDERS OF BRANDYWINE THEATER
Image via Eddy Spaghetti Productions
Josh Cribbs has more than a new contract in Oakland to celebrate, the independent horror film THE MURDERS OF BRANDYWINE THEATER he stars in with wrestler Diamond Dallas Page, Martin Klebba (PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN, “Scrubs” and Dian Bachar (BASEKETBALL, “South Park”, “Two Guys, A Girl And A Pizza Place”) and no less than Les Claypool...
The End Of The Silky Garrard Era In New York
Ladies, please understand. There comes in a time in all of our careers we must call it quits. Silky’s House of the Rising Best Little Bunny Ranch has had a good run, and if you made it this far with me consider yourself lucky. Statistically speaking, we’ve all beaten the odds. Twelve years as an NFL quarterback or twelve years working in one of the finest brothels in this country...
Gallery: Evan Mathis, Guy Who Pees On Things
Philadelphia Eagles guard Evan Mathis wears No. 69 on his uniform, so it’s my basic assumption as a guy who was once a teenager that Mathis is a jokester. And judging by his Twitter response to Chip Kelly’s elimination of “Taco Thursday and Fat Boy Friday” my assessment is probably correct. But further proof of Evan’s zany nature came yesterday when he Tweeted the above...
KILL KILL KILL: LESS KILLING, MORE TERRIFYING
Listen, I looked long and hard for a good KILL KILL KILL for this week while Ape’s on vacation. I tried. But I couldn’t make it through any videos of a furry animal killing another furry animal. Then I tried hawks, eagles and other birds. Stumbled upon a blue heron eating a baby duckling and was like NOPE not birds. After the birds, I tried animals of the ocean, but even that...
Richard Sherman Keeping The ‘Fail Mary’ Alive
On July 7, Seattle Seahawks CB Richard Sherman will host his Celebrity Softball Game for charity, as his teammates and other local bigshots will take the field at Cheney Stadium in Tacoma for nine innings of good, clean fun. And just to make sure that it is extra fun for the Seahawks fans donating their hard-earned coin to people in need, the Shermanator has invited a very special...
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