Lights, camera, action! And the Sports Oscar goes to ... 

The Academy Awards are happening on Sunday, Feb. 9, and the sports world has once again received zero nominations despite Shaq's outstanding work in the role of Shaquille O'Neal in "What Men Want." And so we are once again forced to create our own awards, acknowledging the athletes, coaches, successes and failures, all of which make the world of sports truly the most dramatic form of entertainment. And with no long, boring speeches, there's no danger someone gets in trouble for not thanking their agents.

To the most unique scoring play of the year:

Derrick Henry threw a jump pass for a TD off a direct snap to thwart the thoroughly confused Ravens in the playoffs. Poor Marcus Mariota, who lost his starting job to Ryan Tannehill, was resigned to being a decoy on this huge play for his team.

Kawhi Leonard hit a game-winner in Game 7 against the Sixers that bounced four different times on the rim before dropping in, proving that the Board Man gets shooters rolls.

The winner is Dolphins punter Matt Haack , who  threw a touchdown on a bizarre play where Miami split its line into three sections and ultimately completed a pass to the completely uncovered kicker Jason Sanders. Miami called the play "Mountaineer Shot," and it was the first TD reception for a placekicker since 1977.

For the athlete who delivers the best performance in the field of exaggerated contact:

James Harden is the Daniel Day Lewis of this category, constantly reinventing the art of flopping. And like DDL so often does, this year Harden sacrificed his body after flopping for a foul call and turned Josh Hart’s befuddled reaction into an instant meme.

Big Kat Bryant of Auburn delivered the most egregious fake injury of the year trying to slow down LSU's offense.

But the winner is Eric Bledsoe , who flopped Lou Williams into a foul call on national television, one that was actually held up after a coach's challenge. Bledsoe got so overconfident by getting away with it that he tried to dribble the ball on an inbounds play.

For the best short pass play that turns into something huge:

On a seemingly-ordinary fourth-and-3 play, Matt Ryan hit Julio Jones with a screen pass and he took it to the house.

Derrick Henry stuck it to the Browns in the season opener with a long touchdown, an omen for how disappointing things would get for Cleveland while providing a hint of Henry’s later star turn.

The winner is Damien Williams , because when you catch the go-ahead pass in the Super Bowl, you get the best screen of the year — even if you maybe stepped out of bounds before getting in.

For the manager or coach who makes the worst decision of the year.

Just after kicking a field goal on 4th-and-1 to take a 24-0 lead, Houston Texans coach Bill O’Brien called a fake punt on 4th-and-4 from his own 31. It failed, and four plays later the Chiefs scored. By the end of the quarter, the Chiefs were up, 28-24, and on their way to their first title in 50 years.

Gregg Popovich  and the Spurs were down four to the Nuggets with 26 seconds left in Game 7 of their first-round series. Instead of fouling, they decided to simply let the clock run out and lose, without even taking a shot once they got the ball back.

The winner is A.J. Hinch,  who pulled Zack Greinke after he gave up a home run to Anthony Rendon, the second hit he’d given up all game. The reliever he brought in, Will Harris, gave up a go-ahead home run to Howie Kendrick. Then four other pitchers came in and gave up three more runs. All the while, ace pitcher Gerrit Cole sat in the bullpen and waited. Hinch didn’t get fired for that, but he could have!

The Oscars will once again forego a host for this year’s ceremony, thanks to the unexpected boon of canceling Kevin Hart last year. These were the sports world’s most disappointing hosts.

The St. Louis Blues won only once on home ice in the Stanley Cup Final, but their 1-2 record trumped the Boston Bruins ’ 1-3 mark, including a blowout loss in Game 7. Every fan who paid inflated playoff ticket prices ended up disappointed.

For the first time ever, home teams won zero games in the World Series. The fans in Washington hadn’t seen the home team win a World Series game live since 1933, and they didn’t this year either. The Nats scored three runs total at home. But it was still worse for Houston, which dropped all four home games and was outscored, 30-11, including a 20-3 margin from the seventh inning on.

The winner is the Golden State Warriors , who in their final season at Oracle Arena managed to drop five playoff games at home, including three in the NBA Finals. A minority owner sitting courtside tried to hit Kyle Lowry, and the last moments of the Warriors in Oakland included Klay Thompson tearing his ACL and Steph Curry missing a three to end the game.

For the best relationships in sports, none of which involved Adam Driver punching a wall:

Pat Mahomes and Andy Reid  needed each other. Mahomes needed a coach whose offensive mind was as creative as Mahomes himself is in the pocket. Reid needed a reliable QB who wouldn’t vomit from nervousness  during a Super Bowl drive. Bill Belichick and Deshaun Watson tried to break them up, but this sports couple finally got a ring in February.

Perhaps the sweetest bromance in sports came from teammates Tobias Harris and Boban Marjanovic , colloquially known as “Tobi and Bobi.” The Clippers seemed to think so too, moving them as a pair to Philadelphia in a big trade. Sadly, free agency split them up.

The winner is Sue Bird  and  Megan Rapinoe,  who have been dating since 2016. The USWNT’s World Cup win (and Rapinoe’s go-ahead goal in the title game) thrust them into the public spotlight. Bird couldn’t defend her WNBA due to a knee injury but she did pen an editorial, “So the President F*cking Hates My Girlfriend,” for The Players' Tribune.

For the most unpleasant visual images of the sporting year:

The Dallas Mavericks " City" edition jerseys looked like they were designed by MC Skat Kat, Paula Abdul’s animated hip-hop partner. They looked particularly cartoonish when worn by 7-foot-3 Kristaps Porzingis.

At the beginning of a high-profile game with North Carolina, Zion Williamson’s Nike shoe exploded, injuring his knee in the process. He missed his next five games but it’s hard not to wonder if the shoe trauma contributed to the injuries that cost him the first half of his rookie season in the NBA.

The winner is Antonio Brown’s feet: Early in his brief time with the Raiders, Antonio Brown got cryogenic therapy on his feet and forgot to wear protective footwear. We aren’t going to link to his gross frostbitten feet but trust us, it was bad news.

To the worst medical professionals in sports:

Warriors medical staff oversaw three of the five starters suffer catastrophic injuries in the playoffs, plus a broken collarbone. Also, it turns out Andre Iguodala played on a broken leg during the 2018 playoffs!

Glenn “Doc” Rivers  led a spunky Clippers team to the playoffs despite it trading Tobias Harris midseason. But then in a move that was good for his team and rough on his family, he welcomed Paul George to the Clippers,  even though he cheated on Doc’s own daughter!

The winner is the Washington Redskins team doctor , who misdiagnosed Trent Williams and his soft tissue cancer on his skull — he thought he just had a cyst. Then the team withheld his salary for the last seven games of the year. The trainer, the head coach and the team president were fired, but that probably isn’t enough for Williams to ignore the medical malpractice.

This award goes to the sports world's best Joker, because we live in a society:

Novak "Joker" Djokovic won both Wimbledon and the Australian Open this year.

Center Nikola "Joker" Jokic made first team all-NBA and got comically exhausted during the Nuggets four-OT playoff game.

The winner is Blake Griffin, who  made his TV comedy debut on the Alec Baldwin Roast, and he had some decent jokes. Although let’s be honest: Neal Brennan deserves half of this award.

For the sports world's worst audio effects of the year:

When the Astros defeated the Yankees in the ALCS, assistant general manager Brandon Taubman went on a profane rant to a group of female reporters. Even though alleged domestic abuser Roberto Osuna had given up his own home run in the game, Taubman repeated “Thank God we got Osuna! I'm so f***ing glad we got Osuna!" at least six times. To make matters worse, the Astros lied about what happened and smeared the journalist who reported it. Taubman eventually got fired, three months ahead of his boss.

The Astros won the ALCS on a walk-off home run by  Jose Altuve , who was allegedly wearing a buzzer on his uniform to tip him off about upcoming pitches. Why was this suspicious? Altuve was visibly telling teammates, “Don’t rip my shirt off” and then ran into the clubhouse and changed clothes before joining the team celebration.

The winner is the entire Houston Astros  organization, whose elaborate sign-stealing cheating effort was decidedly low-tech: They banged on garbage cans. By 2019 they were tipping pitches through whistling, very audibly during the Yankees in the ALCS, but the idea of grown men watching from center field through a video monitor and banging on trash cans with bats is almost as embarrassing as the cheating itself.

Honorable mention goes to Chiefs fans at the Super Bowl and their racist "Tomahawk Chop" and chant.

For the big trade that led to the least return. In the spirit of "Cats" and "X-Men: Dark Phoenix," these blockbusters were bombs:

When the 76ers traded for Jimmy Butler , it was supposed to create a new Big Three in Philadelphia and launch the Sixers to the Finals. Instead, they traded for another forward months later in Tobias Harris, and Butler lasted only half a season before decamping for Miami.

In a three-team deal between San Diego, Cincinnati and Cleveland, ace pitcher Trevor Bauer went to the Reds, Yasiel Puig and Franmil Reyes went to shore up the Indians outfield and the Padres got a prospect. What was the result? All three teams missed the playoffs.

The winner is both superstar trades with Oklahoma City . The Thunder collected a haul of draft picks and young players in deals sending out Paul George and Russell Westbrook, and the teams they dealt with must be feeling remorse. Chris Paul and the Thunder are just two games back of Westbrook and the Rockets despite getting four of their future picks. Meanwhile George has missed almost half of L.A.'s games and cost them five first-rounders. Part of the haul, Danilo Gallinari, may also be headed out of town. 

To the secondary player who excelled in a big situation:

Conn Smythe Trophy winner Ryan O'Reilly led the Blues in scoring in the Stanley Cup Finals, but goalie Jordan Binnington shut down Boston, saving 27 shots per game.

Kawhi Leonard was a deserving Finals MVP, but it was Kyle Lowry who was the heart of the Raptors, putting up 26 points and 10 assists in the closeout Game 6.

The winner is Julie Ertz of the USWNT, an incredibly valuable holding midfielder, even as Abby Morgan and Megan Rapinoe racked up goals. She won possession time and time again, and when the team needed her, she showed her versatility by moving back to anchor the defense.

For excellence in the trades:

Just under the wire and without a general manager, Dodgers president Andrew Friedman picked up 2018 MVP Mookie Betts and 2018 World Series star David Price and also got $50 million from Boston to defray the cost of Price’s deal. Anytime you get two stars and 50 million bucks you’re a big winner. 

Seattle Seahawks GM John Schneider stole Jadeveon Clowney from the Houston Texans, picking up the star pass rusher for Barkevious Mingo, Jacob Martin and a third-round pick. This after dealing their existing stud pass rusher, Frank Clark, to Kansas City for a first- and second-round pick. If that wasn’t enough, he traded for Quandre Diggs at midseason, who went on to make the Pro Bowl.

The winner is Masai Ujiri . The Toronto Raptors were good, but the Raptors GM wanted them to be great. He made a blockbuster deal for Marc Gasol at the trade deadline a few months after getting Kawhi Leonard in exchange for DeMar DeRozan.

In the film industry, the best boy is the assistant to the gaffer or the key grip. In our awards, we're talking about the most impressive athlete who couldn't yet legally drink:

Zion Williamson impressed as the most-hyped new incoming NBA player since LeBron James, and while he's missed some time, his performances have been must-watch television.

Elias Pettersson  won the Calder Trophy as the NHL's top rookie last season, and this year the recently turned 21-year-old is leading the Canucks to the top of the Pacific Division.

Juan Soto won the World Series just a few days after his 21st birthday, after a season where he hit 34 home runs and became only the fourth player in baseball history to get 100 extra-base hits before he turned 21.

The winner is Luka Doncic , the Mavericks Slovenian superstar, who will be starting the All-Star Game at age 20, in a season where he's become a legitimate MVP candidate, averaging 28.8 points per game.

For the best thespian work by an actual athlete:

Aaron Rodgers played a soldier in the Golden Army in the final season of "Game of Thrones" and was presumably torched by a dragon, a metaphor for what the 49ers would do to the Packers in the NFC championship game.

Karl-Anthony Towns played himself in "What Men Want," but even though the plot hinges on head trauma that turns Taraji P. Henson into a telepath, the most unrealistic part of the movie is that KAT is a teenager's favorite player.

The winner by far is Kevin Garnett , who delivers a tour de force as a fictionalized version of himself in "Uncut Gems." He and Adam Sandler were both robbed by the real Oscars!