Chicago Cubs Win Lottery! Someone Wants Aaron Heilman!

In news that can be described as nothing short of depressing to those of us with common sense and eyes that can see, a team claimed Aaron Heilman off waivers from the Chicago Cubs. What makes that news depressing to those of us who can see and think is that the claim means someone wants Heilman on their baseball team, and that person is getting paid a lot of money to be a general manager. Where do I sign up to replace that moron? Heilman, who the Mets shipped out of town last winter on the first and fastest vehicle leaving New York, has been nothing short of awful for the Cubs this season. Indeed, the Cubs might actually have to include Smokey the Bear in the package with Heilman to whichever team claimed him; somebody's going to have to put out the fires left behind Heilman in his new city. "The Gas Can," as Heilman has become known in Chicago, will join his fourth organization in 12 months when dealt. Only Seattle, which held his rights for just enough hours to fleec...