Originally written on Barry Melrose Rocks  |  Last updated 11/17/14
Detroit_red_wings_2578
                                    LOSER DOMI: Coach Carlyle, thank you for coming in today. RANDY CARLYLE: You’re welcome. LD:  What do you make of the recent comments made by Mikhail Grabovski regarding his place within your coaching strategy? CARLYLE: Well…you don’t pull any punches, do ya, little lady? LD:  I’m only saying this once: it would be super cool if you wouldn’t patronize me. CARLYLE: Ok, fine.   LD:  Now, about Grabovski-- CARLYLE: Judging by the number of deleted expletives, the guy’s learning English real good. LD:  Is some of what he’s saying true? It’s pretty damning if it is. CARLYLE: I’m gonna be honest. It was the easiest way for everyone. I have not been a fan of his from the word “go.” Gingers creep me the hell out. LD:  You actually reduced his playing time because you don’t like his hair color? CARLYLE: Besides, the dude is Belorussian. Belarus hasn’t won ****, ever. I’m pretty sure their main exports are orphans and crippling depression.  Or is that Romania? I always get those two confused. LD:  That...seems really racist to me. CARLYLE: COUNTRIES AREN’T RACES. LD: Jingoist, then? It’s still something I’m pretty sure is a lawsuit waiting to happen. CARLYLE: Whatever. Besides, I’m not the one who bought him out. You’d have to talk to my esteemed compadre, Dave Nonis. DAVE NONIS: ‘Sup? LD:  How did you get in here? NONIS: I went in through the door, like a normal person. LD:  Dang, you’re light on your feet for a fat guy. CARLYLE: Like Jackie Gleason dancing. LD: I’m not sure if that’s such a compliment. NONIS: Anyway, Randy’s my guy on the ground, yanno? He’s the one feeding me new information and who’s got to go. CARLYLE: I tell him who’s being trouble and who’s not performing so they can be shipped out. LD:  What about the recent resigning of Tyler Bozak, who has been…let’s say less than stellar in a role which forces him into being a leading center? CARLYLE: I don’t think that’s here nor there. LD:  I think it actually is related to the conversation. CARLYLE: The thing is— (JOHN FERGUSON, JR., crashes through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man) JOHN FERGUSON JR.: JOOOOHHHHNNNNNNN FEEERRRRGUSSSSOOONNNN! Junior! LD:  You’re goddamn joking. CARLYLE:  He’s actually been a great inspiration to me. He’s been giving me advice and been a great help for the team. JFJ: Miss me yet? Next to these knobheads, I look downright reasonable, don’t I? LD: I’d rather be fed my own brain like Ray Liotta in Hannibal. CARLYLE:  It smells good! LD:  Screw this. I’m out of here. CARLYLE:  Don’t you want to keep interviewing me? LD:  Dude—Barry Trotz looks at you and is all, “damn, that guy has no neck.”  You’ve had half a season and you’ve already lost the room, so good job on setting some sort of a speed record. Obviously, I picked the wrong time to stop drinking. So, you know, **** you and the horse you rode in on and then ate. (LD leaves) CARLYLE: You are kind of an asshole, JFJ. NONIS: At least I have chicken. 
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