Originally written on The Sports Headquarters  |  Last updated 12/6/12
  The Pelicans? I should just stop here leaving my incredulous question unanswered because that is how ridiculous this name change is for the (current) New Orleans Hornets. I’m all for a name change. I think the Houston Oilers made a sound decision when they changed their name to the Titans upon arrival in Tennessee. The Thunder grew on me when the Supersonics moved from Seattle to Oklahoma City. Hell, even the Wizards aren’t as ridiculous of a name in comparison to the PELICANS. Plus, it’s not like the Hornets are the original mascot of New Orleans. Nor does the nickname even make much sense for the area of the country. Even if it doesn’t make sense, Hornets are pretty badass. No one wants to mess with a bee hive. I’d punch a Pelican in the face if it looked at me crooked and wouldn’t loose any sleep over it either. But out of all the name changes in the history of sports is this the worst? Undoubtedly yes. Emphatically yes. I don’t care if New Orleans is made up of 95% pelicans and only 5% people. Look at that picture up top. Pelicans look like overgrown seagulls with toilets for mouths. Those suckers are HUGE. Can fit fish for days in those bad boys. But is anyone in the world intimidated by a pelican? If they are, they certainly shouldn’t be. And what are these jerseys going to look like? They’re going to have to change up colors. According to minor google research, apparently the brown pelican is the state bird of Louisianna. SICK STATE BIRD LOUISIANNA. And I say that as a native Bostonian. You know what Massachusetts’ state bird is, TSHQ? The black-capped chickadee. You know what I’d do if the Celtics considered changing their name to the Boston Chickadees? Murder whoever was spearheading that initiative. I have no time for these weak bird related teams. There are plenty of respectable bird teams, too, so it’s not like I’m racist towards them. Falcons are fine. Hawks are cool. You won’t hear me utter a bad word about Eagles any time soon. Blue Jays, Cardinals, and Orioles get the job done. Ravens are decently terrifying, sort of like a thinking mans crow in a sense. Even Seahawks aren’t attrocious. Pelicans are the worst name any team has ever chosen. By a landslide. So what should New Orleans have done? Apparently the “Krewe” was an idea bounced around by fans with some sort of relation to Mardi Gras. When I think New Orleans, I think Mardi Gras, so that would have been fine. Hurricanes wouldn’t have been bad. No, I’m not trying to make light of Katrina. But, the Gulf Coast has been known to get mollywopped by the occassional tropical storm. Hurricanes work for both Miami in the college ranks and Carolina’s hockey team. But, the obvious answer to this conundrum was to call up Utah. What do you think of when you think of Utah? Because I think of 50,000 Mitt Romneys. I do not envision a swinging jazz club with a live band and, umm, fun. The Utah Jazz is the biggest oxymoron in sports. Makes less than zero sense. I’m not even sure inhabitants of Utah know that jazz is anything other than a basketball team. The fact that they’ve been able to live behind this sham for decades is baffling to me. This was a perfect opportunity for the commissioner to step in and force Utah to come up with an original name. The Mormons or  Mountains or the Avalanche… Something more Utah-y. Anything. Because Pelicans is not an acceptable alternative for New Orleans. New Orleans could have taken back their old Jazz nickname and it would have been celebrated. Instead, the entire world is in as much disbelief over this decision as they are about the design of the new Jordan XX8′s. A strange week for basketball, indeed.
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