By now, you've read about the four Alabama football players charged with various crimes related to beating a fellow student unconscious, stealing student debit cards and credit cards, and using the cards to buy snacks from a vending machine in a campus dorm. If you haven't read about it, it was as expertly planned and executed as you might think.
Alabama athletic director Mal Moore released a statement that essentially said YOU MORONS STAGGERINGLY UNBELIEVABLE MORONS, and Nick Saban has handed all four players indefinite suspensions. Saban did not go into great detail in his statement, most likely because he was reviewing film of all the second down plays from the last five Octobers and hasn't heard all the details, but he has already ordered a measure to prevent this business from happening again.
Saban is known "The Process," which is the guide he uses to collect national championships. One of the pillars of The Process is that you never let something beat you twice. You correct the mistakes that lead to your failures, whether it was losing the game or allowing a 3rd and 11 conversion with 56 seconds to go in the game while up 49-0.
Since Saban's players were ultimately undone by using stolen debit and credit cards at a dorm vending machine, he has set out to make sure vending machines don't beat him twice. As of noon today, he has removed all vending machines from Alabama's dorms and replaced them with these:
These new machines have a three-pronged effect. One, no one will ever put money in them. Two, no more unhealthy food for his players. And three, Nick Saban is always watching, but if you do decide to play, they make a pretty nice stocking stuffer for the rabid Alabama fan in your life.