Rajon Rondo Feared to be a Witch

By Michael GreeneSportsonastick.comApril 29, 2009ESPN is reporting that while Boston Celtic guard Rajon Rondo’s amazing performance in Saturday's Game 4 may have stricken fear into the hearts of his team's opponents, the Chicago Bulls, his equally amazing off-court feats have filled his own teammates with fear and suspicion that Rondo may, in fact, be a witch.On the floor, Rondo had 25 points, 11 assists, 11 rebounds, shot 50% from the floor and had only one turnover in 55 minutes as he led the Celtics to a double-overtime Game 4 win. The win tied the first round series with the Bulls at 2. According to the report, however, Rondo’s unbelievable performance actually started at halftime. Several anonymous players told ESPN that during the 15-minute break, Rondo produced an all-new Tupac Shakur album that doesn't suck, mediated a lasting peace between Hollywood studios and writers, made a decisive decision for Apple on the next iPhone design, informed NASA of his discovery of three new planets that might be able to support life, wrote a teen/tween book that will overtake the Twilight series, produced a 'PowerPoint' presentation on how to solve America's dependence on oil and--using what some witnesses described as "magic hypnosis"--talked Kevin Garnett out of tearing a locker room attendant in half due to sheer frustration. Rondo’s awe-inspiring acts continued after the win. He not only gave a few fans his autograph, he also produced vintage jerseys signed by Larry Bird, Bill Russell and Bob Cousy, seemingly out of nowhere. One Celtic reported that, on the team bus, Rondo led the team in a perfect rendition of a classic opera selecton, with Rondo himself singing the bass or soprano parts as needed. “Some of us celebrated in the hotel bar for a little while,” another player said, “Rajon came with us. There were some gold diggers there doing their thing, but Rajon talked to them and convinced them that they needed to fill the emotional holes in their hearts with love and meaningful connections, not cars and jewelry. They left with this weird glazed look in their eyes. None of us are really sure what he did to them, but it definitely didn't sit right, you know?”Near the end of the night, a waitress spilled some water near the bar’s entrance as the Celtics were leaving. This was when Rondo unveiled his last act: “Rajon had to walk over (the water),” one Celtic said, “It was just a small puddle and had soaked into the carpet a little, but I swear Rajon looked, like, an eighth of an inch taller as he was doing it. It was pretty freaky.”