My Life as a Basketball Game Announcer

Recently I took a job as an announcer and host for a touring basketball show team. I'm purposely not naming this team so that I don't violate the terms of my contract, ruffle any feathers, burn any bridges, hurt any feelings, etc, etc. Sounds like a dream job right- pretty girls, exciting games, floor seats? Well I'm not that naive. I knew it would be hard work and a hard life on the road, but it may be even more than I can take and I can take a ton times two. My title says Host/Announcer. My duties include playing all music and effects, setting up and striking audio, acting, dancing, banter/improv, announcing, commentating (is that a word), driving the bus, carrying the coaches' luggage, managing the opposing teams, managing the refs, managing the scorekeeper and board, handling contests and prizes, working with the sponsors, calling plays, security (PLEASE NO CAMERAS, ONE LINE, GET OFF THE COURT, etc) and general schmoozing? with all important people related to the event AND being a role model (no drinking, no women, no drugs and lots of work with kids, not that I have a prob with this). The pay is terrible and the expenses are high. I eat last (when I get to eat), I have to sit in the back of the vehicle when I'm not driving and my companions are 6'5", 23 yr-old, baby-daddys who complain about their arduous life of putting a ball through a hole and having sex with gorgeous 19 yr-old blondes. So outside of what I mentioned above and the heavy lifting I do and the thankless nature of my work, the only problem I have with this job is the traveling. I'm too old and too unhealthy for road life. I have migraines, ulcers, bad kidneys, liver and bladder, I don't sleep (period), I have to pee every 45 minutes and I found out that I never have gas until you close a van door for 11 hours. Oh yeah- the thankless part really sucks. I've been doing this work my whole life and I knew that once I stepped backstage and off-camera that I'd be out of the spotlight, but man this really sucks now. It sucks when a mob of gorgeous teenage girls rush towards you to anxiously ask when number 10 will be out of the locker room. It sucks that people are really impressed by and interested in me until I tell them that I'm not actually a basketball player. It sucks even more when I tell people I'm WITH the team- and they say, "WHY?" It sucks being the "shortest" guy (6'0) and apparently not the most handsome (and they think I'm fat, too). So, why would I ever even finish this season, when so many people say don't? Great experience, that will hopefully look good on the world's longest (my) resume. Hopefully it will lead to something else- like a job with the NBA's Phoenix Suns... If I break my contract, I lose most of the money that they aren't paying me? I'd do it for the kids man! I really love working with kids and everyone thinks I'm so gifted with them. I'd do it for the guys! When you're on the road for a month with seven guys in a van you form the best of brotherly bonds. Even though none of us would have ever talked to each other outside of this situation, we do genuinely have a good time together and care for each other- even that weirdo announcer dude. There are a few perks: very good meals, meeting wonderful people- including NBA and NFL players, mayors and senators, photos and autograph sessions- when that little eight-year old, red-haired, freckled-face, white girl comes up to me after a game while I'm coiling cables and asks for my autograph because she's impressed by what I do- it gets me every time, riding in limos, the occasional Star treatment and most importantly getting to see 6'7" ripped black guys walking around naked while constantly questioning my fitness level, haircut, driving ability, manhood and aversion to the purchase of "Magnums"- wait, all those things sucked too. :)