You know you're a Foxworthy fan: Jeff Foxworthy's best jokes

“You always lose expensive sunglasses and the cases that cassette tapes come in. I know that when I bought them, every cassette that I had had a case. Now, I've got 500 tapes, three cases. And whoever's stealing my good sunglasses and my cassette cases is leaving me keys. 'Cause I've got keys. I've got keys to crap I've never owned. You put all my keys together, I could be a high school janitor tonight.”

"I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods."

“It is OK to wear a T-shirt with nothing written on it. I don't know what it is about rednecks. We never have to write a resume because you can learn everything you want to know about us by reading our clothes. You give me a redneck man's T-shirt drawer, I can tell you what kind of truck he drives, what radio station he listens to, who he roots for in NASCAR, what he likes to hunt, who his favorite college football team is, his philosophy on life and where he went on vacation the last 21 summers. And you give me his windbreaker, I'll tell you what kind of cigarettes he smokes.”

"Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door."

"The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house."

“It's like being the National Guard. We may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we are living to fight another day.”

“People always ask me if I've seen Larry's latest movie, and I say, 'No, but I flushed a $10 bill down the toilet to get the feeling I have.'”

"Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother — you're not sure what you've got, but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it."

"Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to verify it?"

“That's another big redneck trait. We buy something; we're going to wear it within 24 hours. Just because you see a redneck walk out of a store without a bag doesn't mean we didn't make a purchase. ‘You didn't get nothin'?’ ‘No, I got some underwear. I just put it on in the store.’”

“Sophisticated people invest their money in stock portfolios. Rednecks invest our money in commemorative plates. ‘Yeah, that's the legends of NASCAR series right there. This is probably our personal favorite: Richard Petty huggin' his momma. I can't hardly look at it without cryin'. Of course, that's Dale Earnhardt. He wasn't in a wreck or nothin'. That's just some ketchup on his forehead.’”

“I was talking to a guy last night who thought ‘loading the dishwasher’ meant getting his wife drunk.”

(Bill Engvall opted out of the Roast of Larry the Cable Guy and sent in a tape instead.) “I'd like to thank Bill Engvall for mailing it in. Larry, that ought to keep you humble. Engvall, the guy who would show up for the grand opening of a laundromat, had something better to do tonight.” 

“I know single guys that can take anything a woman says and turn it into a sexual innuendo. You could have a group of people, and the woman could go ‘You know, I need to get my tires rotated.’ And I know single guys that are thinking ‘Yeah, I'd like to rotate her tires.’ Whereas married men are going, ‘You need to get your tires rotated? I know a place right down the street that does it. They're fast, they're cheap; as a matter of fact, I think I've got a coupon for 'em here in my wallet. Yes, sir. There it is, right where my condom used to be.’”

“I do believe men would take advice on relationships, but we're not going to read a magazine article about it. You've got to give it to us in some form where we'd accept it. You know, sneak it into the play-by-play at ball games. ‘And there's strike three; Greg Maddux really looking good today. And speaking of looking good, fellas, from time to time your woman needs to be reminded that she's still looking good to you.

'Hey, baby? Have I told you lately you are as pretty as Greg Maddux? Baby?'"

(Jeff Foxworthy was inducted into the Atlanta Braves Hall of Fame in 2012.)

“We've all heard the breakup lines. There's a million of 'em. I was picking out a few of my favorites, like 'I need some space.' Which is half a sentence. The rest of it is 'without you in it.' I think my all-time favorite: 'I think we should start seeing other people.' Trust me, nobody has ever said that one to you without having somebody else in mind. Guys, if a woman says to you 'I think we should start seeing other people,' trust me, she has already cut a pony from the herd, and if she ain't ridin' him yet, she has pulled the saddle out of the barn.”

“If you think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader, you might be a redneck.”

“Guys, if you weigh more than 400 pounds, it's not OK to wear a T-shirt that says 'No fat chicks.' You ought to be wearing one that says, 'I whipped anorexia's ass.' And do *not* wear an 'I'm with stupid' T-shirt if you're by yourself. And if you do, well, I'd say that's right.”

“I got to tell you, I really appreciate Ron for being a part of this. He had to leave a New Year's Eve party to be here tonight. I'm not saying Ron drinks, but I hugged him and my vision is blurry.”

“I believe that if you let somebody cut in front of you in traffic and they don't give you the little 'wave,' it should be perfectly legal to get up underneath 'em, get 'em loose and put 'em into the wall.”

“Rednecks think ‘mutual funds’ means everybody's having a good time.”

“You break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend 30 minutes telling why she shot you. ‘I shot you for coming through the window like that. You know, you ought to get a job like the rest of us. I was up at 5:45 this morning. I had to make lunch for the kids, and then I had to take them to school. Then I had to go to work myself. At lunch hour, I had to go get my driver's license renewed, then I had to stop by the grocery store on the way home. Are you listening to me? Are you listening to me? If you bleed on my rug, I'm gonna shoot you again.'"