We’re nearing the culmination of the 2012-13 season – Super Bowl XLVII (that’s 47 for you non-Romans). And while the Bowl is supposed to be Super, the party doesn’t always live up to the hype. These ten people can stand in the way of you and a good time. You’ll need time to prime yourself for these folks that will be at your party. That’s where we come in.
You’re there to watch the game, catch some commercials and have a good time. These people might prevent that. But don’t worry, we’ve viewed the tape and we have the scouting report on these characters. And while some will be more difficult to defend against than others, if you’re mentally ready with who they are, you might just find some enjoyment at your Super Bowl party.
Scouting report: This guy (and it’s always a guy) may as well grab a seat next to the food table. If it isn’t chicken wings, it’s potato chips covered in dip. Someone ordered some pizzas? He’ll have one. He’ll still be licking his fingers the next day at work.
Defense: Don’t come to the party starving. And after the food is situated, get your plate early because odds are, you won’t get seconds.
2. Twitter Guy
Scouting report: This guy might as well have stayed home. His only interaction with the outside world is over the Twitter app on his phone. He’ll look up to watch a play and look right back down and tweet about it.
Defense: Ignore him. Once the game is over (or until his phone battery dies), he’ll barely remember he was at the party. Or even better, start talking in Twitter speak. “Hey ampersat (@ sign) Jimmy, can you toss me another brew? Hashtag, thanks bro.” Twitter Guy will catch on soon enough.
3. Busy Bee Host Guy
Scouting report: This guy is trying to please everyone so badly, he doesn’t get to watch a lick of the game. He better catch highlights to keep up with Monday’s conversation.
Defense: Ignore this guy, too. The minute you fall into the trap and start helping him, you’re becoming him. It’s a slippery slope. Clean up after yourself, but that’s where you need to draw the line. Then remember not to offer up your place next year.
4. Doesn’t Care Guy
Scouting report: This guy came with Slobasaurus, but takes it to a new level. Hogging the food, check. Swearing up a storm for no reason, check. Farting like it’s cool, check. His level of carelessness hits the apex when he drops a deuce in the closest bathroom to the television.
Defense: Keep feeding this jerk beer. Beer breeds farts and cuss words, but it also breeds passing out. If you have him into the hard stuff before halftime, you’re golden. However, if he’s is a professional alcoholic, you’re screwed.
5. Doesn’t Care Girl
Scouting report: Ask her who’s playing and you’ll get a shoulder shrug. She’ll ask if she can watch “Kourtney and Kim Take Miami” during commercials. Anticipate countless “is this almost over?’s”. Her main purpose is to drive her drunk boyfriend home.
Defense: Chat her up. It’s as simple as that. If you get her talking, she won’t be as miserable. Nobody wants misery at a Super Bowl party…unless it’s after the game and your buddy just paid up on your bet.
6. The Shhhh Guy
Scouting report: As though hearing Phil Simms’ every Captain Obvious statement is necessary. To this guy, it is.
Defense: Talk louder. Since you’re a football fan, you know when it’s proper to talk and when you need your chill pill. Don’t let the shhidiot dictate your chill pill dosage. He’ll eventually get a headache from all of his “shhh’s”. It’s science.
7. Squares Guy
Scouting report: This guy is a walking math problem. “I need a Giants touchdown, a two point conversion and a field goal from the Pats to win this quarter.”
Defense: “Yeah, not gonna happen, dude.”
8. Commercial Jerk Guy
Scouting report: Danica Patrick could be less than half naked and pushing godaddy or there could be Clydesdales pimping Budweiser, this fella has some unintelligent opinion for every ad. Be ready to hear, “that was a good one” all night. And that’d be nice…if it was coming from your wife.
Defense: Beat him to the punch. Once he hears how annoying you are, maybe he’ll stop. If he doesn’t, crack him in the mouth.
9. Tries To Fit In Guy
Scouting report: He watched an hour of ESPN’s pre-game coverage to study up. Beyond that, he doesn’t have a clue. He’s almost like your echo. He’ll react to a call five seconds late because he waited to see your reaction. Couldn’t be more annoying, right?
Defense: This one is easy. Football term him to death. Out ‘n up, max protection, cover 2, it’s Chinese to him. He’ll be blindsided and quiet right down.
10. “Wait, wait, rewind it” Guy
Scouting report: The ability to rewind live television is one of the best inventions of our time, but it should be saved to check out Kim K’s sideboob (you know you do) over and over and over…
Defense: Refusal. It’s the Super Bowl. It should be watched live.
Bonus: The Farter
Scouting report: Either the pizza isn’t sitting right or he’s flat out gross (generally both). Either way, walk away from me, pal.
Defense: He doesn’t get invited back next year.
Enjoy the game, folks.