The Academy Awards...but for sports

For the athlete who uses deception, exaggerates contact, fakes injuries, and invents personal outrage to the greatest degree in order to gain a competitive edge.

James Harden : Harden can do it all on the court - drive, dish, shoot the three, and finish at the rim. And he can also flop, wince, cringe, and cry like no one else in the NBA.

Cristiano Ronaldo : One of the most prolific scorers and prolific floppers in soccer history. Even Greg Louganis think his dives are a bit much.

Ryan Goins : The subtlety of Goins' hidden ball trick against Todd Frazier was worthy of the Actors Studio.

Bradley Beal : Even though his team was leading by 25, Beal was so committed to his craft that he egregiously flopped in the backcourt. He gets bonus points for doing it in the playoffs.

Winner: Unlike the MVP race, this is one contest where Harden won't come in second.

Awarded to the athlete who sells out the hardest for advertisers. The trophy is a gold figurine of Peyton Manning and reads “Cut that meat!” across the bottom.

Chris Paul: It was a transitional season for Chris Paul, with his move to the Rockets and the breakup of the iconic Cliff-Chris Paul duo in Los Angeles. Perhaps CP3 thought he could advance past the second round of the playoffs without the pressure of his dual role.

Tom Brady : Touchdown Tom endorses Aston Martin, Tag Heuer watches, Under Armour, and this year, the TB12 Training Method, a holistic approach to training and health that got Brady's trainer banned by Bill Belichick and allegedly drove Jimmy Garoppolo out of New England.

LeBron James : The King has a lifetime deal with Nike, and also shills for Kia, Coca-Cola, McDonald's, and even Intel . He may not have as many rings, but he's already passed Michael Jordan in commercials.

Peyton Manning: Despite hanging it up in early 2016, Manning will never retire from pitching. This year he hosted the ESPYs and stepped into the world of coaching with Brad Paisley and Nationwide.

WINNER: LeBron takes home another trophy for the Land.

For the player with the most memorable final season before hanging it up.

Carlos Beltran: One of the most dominant playoff performers in baseball history, the only thing missing from Beltran's resume was a World Series ring – until this year. In your face, Adam Wainwright! 

Paul Pierce : Who knows if he thought he was Kobe, but Paul Pierce didn't get a farewell tour. He did get his jersey retired by the Celtics, who were polite enough to wait until the Cavs traded Isaiah Thomas.

Vince Carter:  One month shy of his 41st birthday, Vinsanity turned back the clock with a 24-point performance against LeBron James and the Cavs. The only thing left for him is to fly Frederic Weis over from France and dunk one him one last time.

Julius Peppers: He hasn't announced his retirement yet, but Julius Peppers made a triumphant return to Carolina this year, tying for the team lead in sacks. In the playoffs, he made a clutch tackle for loss on the Saints' last drive, one play ahead of Drew Brees' interception. The Panthers couldn't capitalize, but Peppers is still going to the Hall.

WINNER: Vince Carter. Because he might get old, but watching him dunk never will.

Carlos Correa: George Springer was a deserving World Series MVP, but Correa was no slouch, hitting two homers, driving in five runs, and in the clutchest move of all, proposing to his girlfriend on the field.

Kevin Durant: Kevin Durant not only won his first title, but he hit the dagger to win Game Three of the Finals, won Finals MVP, and answered all the haters – both on the court and from his many burner accounts.

Nick Foles: Two years after being benched by the NFL’s worst team, Nick Foles played a perfect game in the Super Bowl, out-dueling the greatest quarterback of all time and even catching a touchdown pass – something Tom Brady couldn’t do.

Cristiano Ronaldo: Not only did Ronaldo score two goals for Real Madrid in their Champions League final win, but his hair didn't move a single inch for the entire 90 minutes of the match.

WINNER: Carlos Correa. These other guys were awesome, but Correa's the only one who got two rings.

This goes out to the city that distinguished itself most in the celebration of a championship. We won't say "riot"; rather, just a spontaneous group exaltation of emotion that sometimes involves lighting fires and destroying civic property.

Philadelphia: We can't condone punching a police horse, as two different fans did, but the fan who ate a horse turd sort of atoned for it in a weird way?

Houston: More than a million fans attended the parade for the Astros' first-ever World Series victory, though the city banding together for hurricane relief and charitable donations meant this was one of the first celebration that actually restored a city.

Pittsburgh: 650,000 people came to celebrate the Penguins back-to-back Stanley Cup title, which is especially impressive since the city's population is only 300,000. There was minimal violence, due to everyone's sleepiness from eating delicious french-fry-filled sandwiches. 

Oakland: The Warriors are moving to San Francisco in 2020,  but this year's NBA title party was pure Oakland. By which we mean, Too $hort performing "Blow The Whistle" live from outside Oracle Arena. Better a whistle than a 3-1 lead, right?

WINNER: Philadelphia. Because where else is there a whole police unit dedicated to lubing up light poles to deter rioters?

For excellent achievement by a player, executive, or team with a compass direction in their name.

North Carolina Tar Heels: Avenged last year's championship game loss and picked up the 7th title in school history. 

David West, Warriors: In his 14th season, West finally got his first ring. And in true David West fashion, he almost got into a brawl with Tristan Thompson in the deciding game.

Jerry West, Warriors/Clippers:  After winning another title as an executive, The Logo moved to Los Angeles, where he accelerated the Clippers's rebuild by sending Blake Griffin to the Pistons. Now if he could just do something about Chuck the Condor.

Russell Westbrook: Averaged a triple-double for the season, won his first MVP award, and hilariously threw shade at Kevin Durant with his fashion choices.

Marshawn “B-East Mode” Lynch”: Lynch un-retired to play for his hometown Raiders, where he passed the 10,000-yard mark for his career, and watched the second half from the stands after getting ejected.

WINNER: Westbrook 

For players who notched points in a way we’ve never seen before.

Nick Foles: With the Eagles facing a 4th-and-goal from the two, they ran the greatest trick play in Super Bowl history. The "Philly Special" involved a direct snap to a running back, a pitch to a tight end, and a TD pass to the quarterback. It worked like a charm and it swung the whole game.

Mario Mandzukic: Juventus managed only one goal in the Champions League final, but boy was it a doozy. Mario Mandzukic was 15 yards out with his back to the goal, but he played the ball off his chest, then delivered an overhead kick to stun the goalkeeper. Juventus didn't win the title, so they'd have to settle for the greatest goal in Champions League history.

Adam Henrique:  Henrique threw the puck over his defender’s head, beat him to it, and then backhanded it in - in his first game against the Devils team that traded him to the Ducks. Oh and Sami Vatanen, the defender he faked out? That's who the Devils got back in the trade.

Steph Curry: The Polish word for "blender" is mikser , and that's what Curry put poor Marcin Gortat in on this play. It wasn't bad enough to cross him up once, Curry had to pass off, get the ball back, and spin him completely around so he had to helplessly watch the three-pointer drop in.

WINNER: Foles. The only thing better than a fat guy touchdown is a QB catching a pass.

The Oscars have awards for achievements in film and sound editing. We are going to honor outstanding sporting Eds instead.

Eddie Jackson: The rookie free safety for the Bears had a 75-yard fumble return TD and a 76-yard interception return against Carolina. It was also the anniversary of his season-ending broken leg at Alabama.

Carl Edwards, Junior:  The Cubs reliever struck out an impressive 94 batters in just 66 innings and had a 2.98 ERA.

Ed Oliver: The sophomore defensive tackle from Houston was a first team All-American and won the Outland Trophy, the annual award for the best interior lineman in college football.

Ed Davis: The Blazers' reserve big man upped his scoring average from 4.3 to 5.6 from 2016-17 to 2017-18. Honestly, it's not a strong sports year for Eds.

WINNER: By a large margin, Oliver is the most special Ed of all.

The Oscars distinguish between different-sized films with separate categories for short films. Here, we want to honor the players who are smaller than their counterparts as well.

Jose Altuve, Astros:  American League MVP, World Series champion, Five foot six.

Isaiah Thomas, Celtics/Cavaliers/Lakers: IT went from fringe MVP candidate to playoff hero to trade bait and finally to trade ballast, in a shocking fall from grace. Luckily, he only has to fall from a height of five foot nine.

Mats Zuccarello, Rangers: The NHL's lone Norwegian is also one of its shortest players. He's survived competition with much taller players and also a scary skull fracture to become the Rangers' alternate captain. He's five foot seven.

Alexis Sanchez, Arsenal/Manchester United: In his final calendar year with Arsenal, Sanchez was man of the match in the club's FA Cup Final win and won their Player of the Season award. He's five foot six and a half.

WINNER: Not only was Altuve the most valuable player, he's also the shortest on this list.

For the player who shone in a supporting role as a teammate took the lead.

Steph Curry: Like Gene Hackman in Unforgiven , or Denzel Washington in Glory, sometimes a clear leading man needs to take a backseat to another star to take home the trophy. Averaging 27-8-9 in the Finals could win the MVP some years, but not when Kevin Durant is putting up 35 a game.

Evgeni Malkin: Sidney Crosby may have won his second straight Conn Smythe Trophy, but Malkin did whatever the Penguins needed - scoring goals, threatening heckling fans, even “fighting” PK Subban in a brawl-turned-hugfest.

Brad Peacock:  George Springer won Series MVP, but Brad Peacock was the Astros' secret weapon. He threw 3.2 hitless innings in Game 3 to earn the save, and then in Game 7, he entered in the third inning after Lance McCullers hit his fourth batter, and calmly extinguished a rally. In total it was 5.2 scoreless innings at his team's most desperate moment.

Corey Clement : Clement went undrafted in 2017, and caught just 10 passes during the regular season. But in the Super Bowl he had the longest reception of the game and an incredible touchdown catch where he barely got his feet down, befuddling the Patriots and Cris Collinsworth alike.

WINNER: Malkin. He and Sid the Kid are one more title away from getting their own buddy cop movie. 

The Oscars honor great achievements in costuming, but the sporting world sees a lot of terrible outfits. Let's look at some of the most misguided, repellant, and eye-gouging apparel decisions.

Seattle Seahawks Color Rush:  Our best guess for the decline of the mighty Seahawks is that the head-to-toe lime green of their Color Rush jerseys made them all sick, including the 12th Man.

Nike's Accidental Tearaway Jerseys: When Nike took over the NBA's uniform design, they promised a whole variety of looks and designs for teams. Unfortunately, the first batch was apparently made of crepe paper, as jerseys tore all over the place as early as opening night.

Cleveland Indians & Chief Wahoo: The Indians finally announced that they were phasing out Chief Wahoo - eventually. But we'll still get at least one more season of their racist logo and fans in racist costumes.

Cam Newton, Every Week: Every week of the NFL season is a new terrifying sartorial minefield with the Panther's QB, but Cam's brimless "LOVE" hat, shades, and gold chain may have been the bottom of the barrel. Don't drag Andre 3000 into this, Cam!

WINNER: The eye-melting Seahawks jerseys win, and all of us lose.

For the leader who makes the most inexplicable, damaging decisions to guide his team.

Joe Girardi: When the umpires called a phantom hit-by-pitch on Lonnie Chisenhall  in the ALDS, Joe Girardi didn't challenge the call. Then Francisco Lindor hit a grand slam. The Yankees still won the series, but this certainly didn't help Girardi keep his job.

Pete Carroll: With time running out at the end of the first half, Carroll call for a fake field goal. It failed miserably. The Seahawks ended up losing the game by three, which meant the tiebreaker and the final NFC wild card berth to the Falcons.

Hue Jackson:  There's so many things to choose from in Jackson's tenure with Cleveland, but trading for Brock Osweiler may have been the worst. Cleveland took on Brock and his giant salary to get a second-round pick (and gave up a 4th). Then they cut Osweiler, so they effectively spent $16 million to move up two rounds.

Bill Belichick: It's shocking to see him on this list, but benching starting cornerback Malcolm Butler in a game where the opponent put up 41 points and gained 538 yards makes us actually question the Hoodied One.

WINNER: Hue Jackson. Browns fans may want to trust the process, but there's nothing trustworthy about the Brockening.

Best Special Affects goes to those most heartwarming, tear-jerking, emotionally affecting sports stories of the year.

Isaiah Thomas Scores For His Sister: Isaiah Thomas played, and brilliantly, after his little sister's sudden death at the end of the season. The most special performance came when he put up 53 on her birthday, to lead the Celtics over the Wizards and into the conference finals.

Jake Olson Snaps: Jake Olson is a die-hard Trojans fan who lost his sight at age 12. Against Western Michigan, he got to enter the game and successfully snap the ball on a USC extra point.

Devils, Advocates: When a young singer forgot the words to the national anthem at a game in October, the crowd had her back, jumping in to rescue her by belting out the anthem themselves. 

Eron Harris Kisses The Floor: Michigan State senior Eron Harris was out for the year after a knee injury in February, but Tom Izzo made him dress for Senior Day anyway. Then he surprised him by having his mother sing the national anthem, then inserted Harris, brace and all, into the game to kiss the Spartans logo.

WINNER: Jake Olson. He also snapped against Oregon State, and both went beautifully.

The Academy has the Irving G. Thalberg Award for "creative producers, whose bodies of work reflect a consistently high quality of motion picture production." Our awards have the (Julius) Erving G.O.A.T. Award for athletes that have a claim on being the Greatest Of All Time.

LeBron James: LeBron is now in his 15th season with no visible sign of decline. His Cavaliers will top out at the three seed, they've had a disappointing season full of turmoil, and yet they're overwhelming favorites to win the East because of him.

Roger Federer: A knee injury in 2016 ruined most of Roger's year and meant four years of no Grand Slam titles. Then he beat Rafael Nadal to win the Australian Open, won his eighth Wimbledon title without dropping a set, and repeated at the Australian for his record 20th Slam title.

Diana Taurasi:  Taurasi became the WNBA's all-time leading scorer in 2017, to go with four gold medals, three WNBA titles, three NCAA titles, and six Euroleague titles. Plus, she got married!

Mike Trout: Trout missed 48 games with a thumb injury, but still hit 33 homers, made his sixth All-Star team, collected his 1,000th hit and 200th home run, led the league in on-base percentage and slugging, and turned 26.

WINNER: Federer. 15 years after his first Wimbledon win, he's still the odds-on favorite this summer.

It's rare to see an athlete cross over into serious acting, with the exceptions of Michael Jordan in "Space Jam" and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's BAFTA-winning role in "Airplane." But there are plenty of athletes with a variety of skills in the performing arts that with a little luck could land them on the silver screen.

Damian Lillard: Lillard can rap, he has excellent comedic timing, and he shares a nickname with Judi Dench - "Dame."

J.J. Watt: Watt has a magnetic screen presence, he's an incredible dancer, and his square jaw gives him a Matt Dillon quality. Also like Matt Dillon, his less talented younger brother is enjoying much more career success than him recently.

Victor Oladipo: Oladipo is handsome, he released a soul album in the fall , and as a former member of the Orlando Magic, he's able to tap into feelings of profound sadness. If he can make it to Hollywood, maybe he can get a stunt double for his next dunk contest.

Givanildo Vieira de Sousa: The Brazilian forward known as Hulk has the powerful build of an action hero, he already makes films, and could easily slide into The Rock's role in The Fast and the Furious franchise when he runs for president. And why not try him in an indie film? If Mark Ruffalo can be the Hulk, surely de Sousa could star in Spotlight 2.

WINNER: Lillard. At the Academy Awards, never bet against the Dame.